Midday Eclipse

Preview Review

2009-11-15T16:57:00.003-06:00

There were a ton of previews at my movie today. Would I pay theatre prices to see them? Briefly:

Avatar - pass - Sam Worthington (Terminator: Salvation), Zoe Saldana, Michelle Rodgriguez. Director James Cameron.

A wheelchair bound marine goes into a program where he is given control of an avatar and sent undercover into an alien indigenous community with the mission to make them move their village so humans can mine their planet for a special mineral. He ends up falling in love with one of the aliens and going native, working with them to stop the invading human forces.

That's what I got out of the preview anyway. Generally, I really like action movies from James Cameron, but the actual "avatar" part looked more cartoony and amime-like that CGI, which is not my thing.

***

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time - yes - Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Artenton

In Ancient Persia, Prince Dastan gets his hands on a dagger that can rewind time. He joins forces with a young woman to deliver the dagger to a safe location to protect it, and they must fight their way through various overlords to get there.

Not sure on the plot, but it looked like it had great effects and lots of action.

***

Grown Ups - pass - Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, David Spade, Kevin James

Thirty years later, a bunch of former childhood friends reunite for the 4th of July weekend. I'm sure that beer-capades, fart jokes and other male bonding ensues.

* * *

Invictus - YES! - Morgan Freeman, Matt Damon. Director Clint Eastwood.

During Nelson Mandela's first term as President, he hires Francois Pienaar to put together a winning rugby team to help unite his racially divided country.

Seriously, it looked amazing and I don't think you could possible go wrong with this trifecta.

***

Did you hear about the Morgans? - yes - Hugh Grant, Sarah Jessica Parker

A soon-to-be-divorced upper-crust city couple gets put into witness relocation in Wyoming.

I'm not always a rom-com fan but this one had me laughing out loud in the theatre. It looks promising.

Thought of the day

2009-10-20T08:35:00.001-05:00

I refuse to believe that humans evolved into the only beings on the planet with opposable thumbs just so we could learn how to text.

I must be getting old - Books I gave up on

2009-09-27T16:52:00.002-05:00

Life is too short for bad novels. Whether they are badly written or I don't like the content, I have finally learned that I am not required to read the whole thing anymore. Much to the amusement of my friends, I still occasionally try to read "literature" to improve my brain. Here are a couple books that didn't last until page 10.

***

"The Flying Troutmans" by Miriam Toews

This may have been a good book. However I wasn't able to tell because Ms. Toews decided that quotation marks are optional. Seriously, there were no quotations marks in the entire book. That is not a writing style. That is poor grammar. (This goes for you too, Cormac McCarthy.) It is similar to saying that a lot of spacing and indents and different fonts make a bunch of words a freeverse poem. They don't.

***

"World War Z: An oral history of the Zombie War" by Max Brooks.

I like horror books. And I'd never read a zombie book. This one was recommended by a friend. I read the first couple pages. Then I flipped through and read a couple more pages. Then I returned it to the library. It was well written. But it seems that zombies really disturb me. I should have realized this before hand; I watch horror movies but not zombie movies.

***

"The Gargoyle" by Andrew Davidson

I wanted to like this book. Hometown boy makes good and all. But I got it out of the library twice and never even cracked the cover. Perhaps my subconscious is trying to tell me something.

Good Eats!

2009-09-23T16:24:00.003-05:00

My good friend Ms. Gwennie Pennie has set up a food blog called The Foodie Housewife.

I can personally vouch for many of the recipes as I print them and try them almost as soon as she gets them up. I particularly enjoyed the Zucchini Fruit Loaf (if you have any zucchinis left) and the Pasta Carbonara.

These recipes are much easier than they look. She also thoughtfully provides pictures so you can see how it is supposed to turn out.

She does recommend certain ingredients and brands that we may not have north of the border but she has been very helpful in coming up with substitutes and, in some cases, telling me what the heck she's talking about.

So check her out and try some stuff. Next up for me is the Quick and Easy White Chili, provided I can find some green salsa.

Review: FlashForward - the book and the movie

2009-09-22T17:08:00.005-05:00

"FlashForward"

6 out of 10

You might have heard of this little show on ABC. It's only been advertised in every commercial break for the last month. It aired on Thursday and did very well in the ratings.

It opens with the world starting to spin again. Actually, everyone on Earth is waking up after passing out at the same time. The whole planet blacked out for 2 minutes and 17 seconds and, while they were out, they caught a glimpse of what they were doing six months in the future.

Main character Mark Benford is an FBI agent. He sees himself working on the Mosaic Collective, the FBI investigation which is trying to determine why the global blackout (GBO) happened. His wife Dr. Olivia Benford sees herself with another man. His best friend sees himself with his daughter, who was reported as KIA in Iraq. And on it goes, except for Mark's partner Demitri Noh, who had no vision at all because - they assume - six months from now he's dead.

As individuals try to come to grips with their lives, they fight against the notions of predetermination vs free will. Olivia refuses to believe that she'd cheat on her husband, while recovering alcoholic Mark is convinced that because he saw himself drinking he will fall off the wagon and there is no hope for him. Some people are desperate for the future not to come true while the FlashForward has brought hope to others.

Running through everything is the mystery of what caused the GBO. Everyone passed out at the same time, so who could be to blame. It turns out that one mysterious figure at a baseball game remained conscious through the blackout. And the FBI is eager to speak with him.

Overall, the episode was pretty good. I liked it much better than the book. Sometimes an adaptation just needs to take the idea, not the framework and that is what they did. I'm not big on some of the casting choices but I can live with them. I'm a little worried that they moved the date from 22 years in the future to 6 months - what will they do next year, another flash? I think 2 years would have worked better. Also, nice addition of additional story lines and a nice mix of characters, including their jobs, relationships and mindsets.

***

"FlashForward" by Robert J. Sawyer

c 1999

Rating: Readable

I'm not much for science fiction but when I heard that they'd decided to turn this book into a series I wanted to know what the fuss was about. It was a well-written book in all the ways that one should measure the actual writing. It was the whole concept which I found to be a little disturbing. Not the science part. I understand that it is science "fiction." Mostly I'm upset about the way that the author portrayed the world's population. I admit, it would be cool to see into the future. But because I don't understand the way the writer thinks, I don't understand the themes behind his work.

The main character believes that there is no free will; what he saw in the future is absolute and there is no way to change it. (This was proved false because one person who had a flash of being alive 21 years from now killed himself. This, while sad, at least gave an argument for free will, which I believe in.) He is prepared to throw away his fiancee and possible future happiness because he saw himself with a different wife and his fiancee lived somewhere else with her daughter who, at the time, he believed was not his. Because he got divorced in the future, he felt it was better not to get married in the present since failure was inevitable.

Another character, who found out he was shot to death the day before the flashforward, spends the next 21 years trying to solve his own murder. 21 years of his life, gone, wasted, trying to fix something that hadn't even happened yet. He lets his present slip away.

Most of the other characters feel that way too. Some are glad that they are alive in the future, that they know things are good. But most people are not satisfied with what they saw. It wasn't good enough so they changed their lives in an attempt to achieve perfection.

Knowing that you are dead in the future would admittedly suck. But if you had twenty years between now and then, wouldn't you want to make sure you lived them as well as you could rather than fixating on something that far away? I'm not saying you shouldn't try to stop your own murder. But who knows what you will do between now and then. Meet the person who will kill you? Meet the person who could save you? Find the person that makes the 20 years worthwhile? It's not much different than people who have fatal medical conditions. You know your expiry date. You can fight the disease and try experimental treatments but in the end you had better live the time you have left or the fight will have been for nothing. You are fighting for a life, not a breathe-in breathe-out existence.

I don't get it. I don't get sacrificing two decades for the sake of two minutes. Yes, we all want happily ever after. But that is the journey, not the destination. Life isn't perfect. Work hard, love hard, eat dessert first. It's all you can do.

Personally, as much as it would be cool, I wouldn't want to see the future. I like surprises. I'd rather have today - however good or bad - than fear tomorrow. I think I'll adopt as my philosophy the T2 Sarah Connor epilogue narration:

The future, always so clear to me, had become like a black highway at night. We were in uncharted territory now, making up history as we went along. The unknown future rolls toward us. I face it for the first time with a sense of hope, because if a machine, a Terminator, can learn the value of human life, maybe we can, too.

Review (Book): " Dead to Worse" by Charlaine Harris

2009-09-22T16:34:00.004-05:00

C2009

Rating: Readable

I'm feeling generous. There is nothing wrong with the latest entry into the "Sookie Stackhouse" series. However, in my opinion, not much happens. Here's a quick look.

The were-animals have decided to go public. This freaks out several people, including Sam Merlotte's step-father who shoots Sam's mom. Were-dog Sam rushes home to see here and is gone for the rest of the book.

Jason's soon-to-be ex-wife Crystal is found crucified behind the bar and Jason is once again a suspect. However the culprit is revealed to be Jason's fellow were-panther Mel, who was jealous that Crystal dissed his man.

Quinn, the were-tiger (and my personal favourite of all of Sookie's suitors) makes a reappearance but is quickly run off by Vampire Bill, who is following Eric's orders. He doesn't come back.

Vampire Eric tricks Sookie into getting engaged to protect her (he says) from the new King of Louisiana.

Arline, Sookie's former friend and fellow waitress - now rabid member of Fellowship of the Sun - pretends to want to overcome their differences and sets Sookie up to be crucified in the same way Crystal was. Sookie escapes and they are unable to charge Arline and her co-conspirators with murder since the cross-wood could be used for anything, not just crucifixion. They do confess to hanging Crystal from the cross although they didn't kill her.

Niall, Sookie's full-fairy great-grandfather who first showed up in "From Dead to Worse", takes on a rebel faction of fairies and draws Sookie into the middle of a fairy war. Sookie is kidnapped and tortured by the rebels and Eric saves her. Niall manages to defeat the rebels but decides that it is too dangerous to stay in contact with the human world and seals the portal between the two worlds, leaving Sookie forever.

So with all that, how can I say nothing happened? Because it happened just that quick. The were-animal reveal came and went in the first couple chapters. Crystal was dead one minute, and then Sookie overheard Mel's thoughts and caught him. Arline is buckets of crazy, tried to kill Sookie, and pretty much got away with the attempt. For goodness sake, if you blinked you would have missed Sookie and Eric's engagement. No discussion, no freaking out, it happened and let's move on to the fairy war, which is based on a character we met in the last book and will now never see again.

Any three of these story lines, covered in depth, would have made a delicious book. But Ms. Harris threw so much into one novel that I wasn't able to appreciate any of it. It almost seemed to be "hurry up and resolve these storylines so I can get to some good stuff in the next book". I have enjoyed many of the other books in this series, so this was a real disappointment. I'll read the next book but I hope I find it more satisfying.

PS: HBO's "TRUE BLOOD" is based on the books. Roughly based. Barely. Mostly they use the same names and biological forms (psychic, were-animal, vampire) for Sookie, Sam, Bill and Eric. Everything else is optional. Especially clothing.

Review (Book): " Skin Trade" by Laurell K. Hamilton

2009-09-22T15:54:00.003-05:00

c2009

Rating: Readable

After the debacle that was Blood Noir, it seems that Laurell K. Hamilton remember to put a plot into her latest Anita Blake novel (book 17 in the series). I was unsure whether or not I wanted to read this book but decided to take it out of the library on the train-wreck premise. (You know, something you shouldn't really watch but can't bring yourself to turn away from.) It was worth a check-out.

Anita Blake is at work when a former enemy mails her the head of a fellow US marshall. The postmark is from Las Vegas, and there is a time crunch (he will strike again soon) so Anita takes off leaving her harem behind. She arrives in Las Vegas to find Edward, Bernardo Spotted Horse and Olaf already on scene, working with the equivalent of Las Vegas Supernatural SWAT. The serial killer is Vittorio, the vampire who escaped from Anita in "The Harlequin". She runs the investigation with her new paranormal friends and with some help from the Vampire Master of Vegas and his were-tigers (some of whom, if you will remember, Anita orgied with in "Blood Noir"). Vittorio has been regaining his vampire powers, which were originally taken away by Marmee Noir. This is one of the reasons Marmee has been after Anita; she wanted to use Anita as a tool to kill Vittorio. In the end, Anita manages to bring the bad guy down by distracting him with her sexual exploits on his captives while an unknown group kill of Marmee Noir.

See, a story. And there is only one orgy, and since it only involved two vampires/men, it could really be called orgy-light. There is another orgy where Anita sleeps with all the were-tigers in Las Vegas but fortunately we only have the "waking up after being influence by Marmee Noir" scene where Anita discovers that she slept with a 16-year-old boy, but we shouldn't be troubled because 16 is the age of consent in Nevada.

Here's the thing. Richard and the werewolves (except for Jason) don't make an appearance. Micah, Nathaniel and the were-leopards don't make an appearance. Asher and Damian don't make an appearance. Jean-Claude is notably absent (well, Asher and Jean-Claude are dead to the world in one scene and Jean-Claude calls Anita on the phone a couple times.) RPIT doesn't make an appearance; neither do most of her coworkers. No were-hyenas, were-rats, were-swans. No zombie-raising. With the exceptions of Edward, Bernardo and Olaf, if you appeared before "Dance Macabre" (book 14) you don't matter anymore. Probably because Anita's has already slept with you or, for RPIT, made it impossible to work along side her anymore. It's only new blood.

Anita Blake is part of a triumvirate with Richard and Jean-Claude; Richard had one scene in "Blood Noir" and Jean-Claude has been relegated to phone calls. Every bit of mythology that Laurell Hamilton has created has fallen to the wayside in her quest to find new characters for Anita to have sex with. And it's not even particularly good sex. The men are helpless to resist her and Anita has fully given up on trying to keep down the number of men in her harem. Anita Blake used to be a strong female character. Now she's a sexual Mary-Sue. How the mighty have fallen.

So, it's better than "Blood Noir". There is a bit of a story. But that's all I can say for it.

Bad Advertising

2009-08-18T09:13:00.000-05:00

#1. There is a shop called "Part Source" that is directly behind my bus stop. They sell car parts. When I was waiting for my bus, an employee pulled into the parking lot, got out of his car, and entered the building. His car engine continued to tick for at least 60 seconds before it finally stopped.

I guess they don't offer employee discounts there.

#2. There is billboard on one of my bus routes for Diva Lingerie. It shows an ample bosum in a lacy lilac bra, and has the line "Capture your inner Diva".

Technically, wouldn't a bra be capturing your *outer* diva?

Review (Movie): Transformers - Revenge of the Fallen

2009-07-18T10:03:00.004-05:00

4.5 out of 10

Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, Michaela Fox, John Turturro

If I were rating on special effects, this movie would definitely be a 10 out of 10. But since I like to have a story behind scene after scene of blowing stuff up, I have to dock points because I'm relatively sure the movie didn't have a plot.

***

In summary, at the end of "Transformers" Optimus Prime (head good robot) dropped the beaten Decepticons into the Laurentian Abyss and sent out a call inviting other displaced Transformers to make Earth their home. And we all lived happily ever after. Two years later, both Autobots and Decepticons have arrived and they are fighting under the human population's collective nose. It turns out that a shard of the AllSpark can bring Megatron (head bad robot) back to life but unfortunately for the bad guys, it is under lock and key by the US military.

The US military decides that the Transformer/Decepticon battles are becoming too public so White House Lackey # 1 tells the robots to get the hell off Earth by order of the President. Okay, I overlooked it in the first action sequence when the US military took over part of downtown Shanghai or wherever, but the President of the United States is NOT the President of Earth. He can order the robots off US soil but I'm relatively sure that he can't stop them from emigrating to Canada or Australia or Morocco.

Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky is going away to school leaving behind his girlfriend, Michaela. They love each other and the two crazy kids are determined to make this long distance thing work.

Optimus Prime has figured out what the bad guys want, which is to resurrect the dead and find ANOTHER power source that was hidden on Earth. So he and the team pick up Sam & Co. from college and go on a zany around the world treasure hunt. They end up in Egypt where they have another showdown where lots of things blow up. Good guys win.

***

Humour. I think there was one genuinely funny joke but I can't remember what it was. The writers (Kruger/Orci/Kurtzman) when for the cheap laughs every time. If Mojo the butch don in jewelry was cute, let's get him dominating a bigger dog and humping it at every opportunity. Got an Arab character? Put him in a butcher shop handling pork. Got a wrecking machine Decepticon? Turn his wrecking balls into a scrotum. Have an environmentally conscious Mom? Make her eat (weed) green brownies and watch the hilarity ensue.

Characters. Thank God for good looking actors because that was really the only thing the characters had going for them. I'm not blaming the actors. They can only do what is written. They must have choked on the stereotypes every day of shooting. Politician - useless twit. College freshman - horndog. College coed - hornier bitch. And poor Megan Fox. Good for her for getting a role in a blockbuster but that poor girl. Megan, we need you to jiggle more. Megan, we need more lip in that pout. Megan, cling a little tighter to the big strong man's arms and scream like you are the same as every other helpless female on the planet. And what kind of self-respecting woman - mechanic or not - is going to wear white hotpants on a cross-country flight? Five hours in a plane? You know you're going to be wearing something.

I don't know Michael Bay. I've never met the man. But I HATE the way he directs women. They have two functions. Look pretty and put out for the hero. That's it. EVERY DAMN TIME. I was resentful of the way Maggie Madsen (Rachael Taylor) was portrayed in the original film. Can we please have her back? At least she had some brains.

By the way, did you know that Clint Eastwood was in this film? Truly. It was really good make up. They made him reprise his role of Dirty Harry in Optimus Prime costume. If Optimus weren't stealing Harry's lines, he was stealing Sylvester Stallone's moves. The robots got into a brass-knuckle fight and when one of them would take a blow to the mouth, red brake fluid or whatever would spew out like blood like it was Rocky vs Apollo 9. No, not just once. It's like they were people with the amount of fluids and teeth they'd lose in a fight. Forget GMC. They should have had Penzoil as a major sponsor because they constantly had to replace lubricants. That would have been a ton of product placement.

Plot. There is a whole sequence with Sam finding a sliver of the AllSpark, and then giving it to Michaela, who is attacked for it and then she brings it across the country to him. And then they drop the story. Why, writers, why? At the end you have Sam putting the thingy back together with Autobot magic to save Optimus. Why not use the sliver they've been carrying for the last two hours and 17 million miles? Especially since you've already shown that pieces of the AllSpark can revive dead robots because you just revived Megatron that way. And what the hell with the teleportation power from the museum to Egypt? The movie is about a bunch of transforming machines. One of them couldn't turn into a plane with seats? You know it's bad when you have to fix plotholes with magic... twice. This isn't Harry Potter.

There were a couple cute callbacks to the first film. But I'm not buying it. Go for the effects. Or to see Megan Fox. There really isn't a movie. All flash, no substance. To overuse the saying, there is nothing more here than meets the eye.

Review (Movie): Star Trek

2009-06-23T11:40:00.003-05:00

7.5 out of 10

Starring Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Eric Bana, Bruce Greenwood

I am not a Trekkie. Or Trekker. Or whatever the preferred label is. In any case, you don't have to be a long-time fan. The movie is good all on its own!

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away... Wrong franchise. Stardate 1234.567 - or whatever - Evil Romulans have come through a spacial rift and have destroyed a Federation vessel. About 20 years later, James T Kirk is still acting out but manages to get himself shanghaied into Starfleet Academy, where he meets up with what will become his crew. He takes over the Enterprise and saves the day. There is a little time travel, some funky technology and a ton of laughs. It's the last that really surprises me because I've seen other Star Trek movies.

I had heard nothing but complimentary reviews for this movie. Generally, that worries me. But since they were all from people I trusted, I am very glad I went. I had no expectations of story or effects. I knew who the characters were but thanks to several screenwriting articles, I knew that everything but the names were subject to change without notice.

Wow! Characterization. Back story. Humour. As well as the requisite blowing up of evil aliens, technobabble and social commentary. It was quite strange to see characters that have been around for 30 years be less than 30 years old. There were not a lot of highly recognized actors cast. I'd seen many of them before, here and there, but there wasn't A STAR.

And did I mention that it was funny. Laugh out loud funny. Most of the laughs came from the characters and not the situation, which is even more challenging. Younk Kirk as a horn dog was hysterical. As was Uhura shutting him down... not to mention her getting in Spock's grill. I snickered when Spock giving a one-fingered Vulcan salute to his prejudiced race. Scotty, Bones, Sulu and even Chekov all got some giggles. Intelligent humour, Hollywood, keep it up.

It was fun and worthy and we don't get nearly enough summer releases like that. Go see. Even if you don't know the Star Trek universe, you will be able to follow the story of young people stepping into their destinies.

Review (Movie): X-Men Origins: Wolverine

2009-06-23T11:11:00.002-05:00

5 out of 10

Starring Hugh Jackman, Liev Schrieber, Ryan Reynolds

To be honest, the reviewer (me) gave a full point for glimpses of nearly-naked Hugh. They really were the highlights.

My experience with X-Men is limited to the big screen. I haven't read the comics; I, haven't seen the cartoons. I couldn't even tell you if they are Marcel or DC (hey, be thankful I know my options.) Therefore any out-of-character characters or deviations from comic canon will have gone over my head. I'm rating it strictly on the fun factor.

As a child, Jimmy Logan discovers that he is half-brothers with Victor Creed. They are both mutants. They both have rapid-healing abilities and, so far, are impossible to kill. They join the army and proceed to fight for the next hundred years or so. They then team up with William Stryker, who has put together a team of mutants. When the teams goals become less than patriotic, Jimmy "Wolverine" Logan abandons the team and his brother. He heads up to the great white north where he meets a girl and falls in love for a few years. Then Stryker returns and tells him that somebody is killing off all his old teammates. Wolverine refuses to get drawn back into the game. It's not a big surprise to anyone other than Wolverine that Stryker is leading the killings. Stryker arranges for the girlfriend to be killed off. Wolverine offers to join the hunt for the killer. It turns out that Stryker and Victor "Sabretooth" Creed are amassing mutants in order to steal their powers and make a super-soldier, and that the girlfriend was in on it. Wolverine figures this out and needless to say it ends badly.

It was mildly amusing. There were no glaring plot holes. The reason for this is because it was very light on plot. Seriously, the paragraph above pretty much covers it. There were some decent action sequences but nothing memorable. Lotsa skin though. Characterization was pretty much pointless because everybody involved died with the exception of Wolverine, who was shot in the head and lost his memory. It was most definitely not worth $10 or the big screen. Wait for it to come out on DVD and then borrow your neighbours.

TVOvermind, libraries, Silver City, and UCLA

2009-06-23T09:43:00.006-05:00

When I took the semester off from my UCLA Feature Film Writing Program, I didn't realize that I wouldn't be doing any blog writing at all. But I'm glad I took the break.

In the last three months I've completed my first season of recaps on TVOvermind. I've also put up one news article and I hope to do more. (I use another name there. I'm only middayeclipse in the Discussion Forums so I can praise and pan as a regular person.) I will be recapping a different series in September and look forward to keeping my reviewing skills polished. Come and read some stuff and leave notes so the other writers and I feel loved.

Bookwise, I've consumed so many supernatural romances I think my brain has started to turn to mush, which is why I stopped the reviews of everything I've taken from the library. On the plus side for you, I'll have another post on what I've learned from the smut pile. I'm also reading a book of proper literature. From a Winnipeg author even. Review to follow as soon as I'm done. If I'm going to write, I should write.

Moviewise, I've seen 4 this year, and haven't reviewed any of them. I hope to rectify that soon. So far this summer, I've seen "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" and "Star Trek." Skip the first, see the second.

My new UCLA course opens today. It officially starts on Wednesday but the website opens two days early. I took a look at the synopsis and schedule of course work and I find myself to be seriously overwhelmed. As in, "What the hell was I thinking? I'm not a professional writer!" stomach-in-knots, brain-screaming-at-me overwhelmed. I don't think I prepped enough for this course. We are supposed to be starting a script from scratch. Yes, I have an idea. I am at the exact same point as I was for my last script but for some reason I keep thinking that I got lucky then and that I won't be able to write another one. All my confidence has evapourated in a rush. I don't know what's wrong. Usually I dive right in bubbling in excitement. I swagger with attitude. I mock my critics and barrel ahead sure that I will succeed. Right now I'm cowering in the corner.

Book Reviews: "Dearly Devoted Dexter", "Poppy Done to Death", "Broken", "A Palm for Mrs. Pollifax"

2009-03-01T10:02:00.004-06:00

"Dearly Devoted Dexter" by Jeff Lindsay (c2005) Rating: Recommended
The second Dexter book continues on in great Lindsay style. He introduces a new villain who, while he doesn't kill his victims, makes death look like a blessing. Dexter is drawn into the case by his sister Deb, who wants his insights into the case. Dexter also manages to impress Deb's new FBI-agent boyfriend who is supervising the case.

As if becoming a target for this psycho wasn't enough stress, Dexter is also under unofficial investigation by Doakes, who is suspicious of Dexter's involvement in the death of LaGuardia at the end of the first novel. As Dexter says, that is unfair. He didn't kill her. He just watched.

And then there is his love life. Dexter accidentally gets engaged and decides that he might as well follow through. That way he can raise the next generation in the Harry method (how to teach little psychopaths the proper way to kill without being caught.)

If you have a strong stomach and a love of well-developed characters, you should give this series a try.

* * * * *

"Poppy Done to Death" by Charlaine Harris (c2003) Rating: Pass

I liked Ms. Harris's "Southern Vampire" series and I decided to give this one a chance. Also set in the American south, it has no supernatural elements and a good feel for the setting. It isn't much of a mystery though. The death is almost an afterthought, an excuse for the character actions of Aurora Teagarten and the people in her life.

No mystery, no vampires or other creatures, no excitement, no reason to read another one.

* * * * *

"Broken" by Kelley Armstrong (C2006) Rating: Readable

Hurray - another Elena and Clay Werewolf book! While not as quite enjoyable as "Bitten", I still enjoyed these characters in their latest adventure. The whole pack was involved, Elena is about to have the first were-baby in pack history, and there are zombies running amok in Toronto. What else can a girl ask for? Jaime Vegas returns as a necromancer. I'm not fond of the character but fortunately she doesn't appear much. There are other nasties - a vampire, the aforementioned zombies and evil sorcerers. I like Armstrong's werewolves best out of all her creations. Though they appear often, the best books are when they take centre stage. I'm looking forward to "Frostbitten."

* * * * *

"A Palm for Mrs. Pollifax" by Dorothy Gilman (c1973) Rating: Recommended

If you can read Agatha Christie and still appreciate the mystery despite the dated nature of the text, I strongly recommend that you try out Gilman's "Mrs. Pollifax" series. Some of them are older than I am, but they are a fun, cosy series with a retired American heroine with a knack for trouble and common sense.

This time, the CIA sends their most favourite unlikely undercover agent to a private sanatorium in Switzerland on the train of some stolen plutonium. Along the way, she befriends a kidnapped boy from the middle east who is being used as a pawn in a coup, a jewel thief, a lovelorn guest and lest we forget, captures the bad guys with her unmistakable flair.

Gilman created a smart, tough cookie and did it in an entirely new way. Her books are a lot of fun and the humour and wit never gets old.

Book Reviews: "Dark Legend", "Dark Secret", "Dark Guardian" by Christine Feehan

2009-03-01T09:21:00.007-06:00

As you can see, if I find an author I like, I immediately read everything I can get my hands on. This isn't the smartest way to do this. Often, I end up overdosing on something I really enjoyed at the beginning. Still, I do it almost every time.

Christine Feehan is one of those writers. She has an interesting take on vampire mythology. There is an ancient race called Carpathians. They are nearly immortal, cannot go out into the sun and must drink blood to survive. But they only become evil vampires once they have killed a person while feed and thus lost their souls. Carpathian males, however, remain good. It's not an easy decision as after the first couple centuries they lose all emotions. Only their memories of honour keep them from turning. That, and the hunt for their lifemate - the woman who is the light to their darkness. And they must possess her at any cost.

See, right there, that is a very hard line to write. Smut is fine. However, when they must have their lifemates and she resists it's really hard not to cross the line into rape no matter how much she secretly wants it. At least it's hard for me to read after being brought up in a time when we are taught that "no" means "no." Of course, it all ends happily ever after.

"Dark Legend" by Christine Feehan (c2002) Rating: Readable
Gabriel meets Francesca, a female Carpathian who has been in hiding for 1000 years, but he cannot stay with her until he hunts down his twin brother Lucian who has turned vampire. They do get together and adopt a teenage girl who has been abused by her father.

"Dark Guardian" by Christine Feehan (c2002) Rating: Pass
Lucian was just faking. He's a good Carpathian who has tracked down his human lifemate Jaxon, an American cop being stalked by her obsessed step-father.

"Dark Secret" by Christine Feehan (c2005) Rating: Pass
This is one of the books that crosses the line. Feehan introduces the de la Cruz family, a group of five Carpathian brothers who had moved from Europe to South America centuries before. This first one sets the tone of men who don't believe that "no" applies to them as they repeated force themselves onto their woman until she admits she loves him. In this one, Rafael finds Colby, a rancher struggling to raise her younger brother and sister. Additionally, it is the announced start of the Dragonseeker storyline, which I didn't like either. Yeah, this was the beginning of the end of the series for me.

Book Reviews: "A Flaw in the Blood", "Night Bites", "Industrial Magic"

2009-01-18T11:03:00.003-06:00

"A Flaw in the Blood" by Stephanie Barron (c2008) Rating: Pass

I can't remember the last time I've given up on a book. I gave this one four chapters (30 pages). The narrator alternated by chapter and both spoke in the first person, so I had a heck of a time trying to figure out who was doing what and sleeping with whom. Additionally, I have no knowledge of that period of English history or of British hierarchy of royalty and titles.

Barron started mysteries the way I like them - with a body on the floor. However, her roundabout way of setting the stage (with more than half the first 4 chapters in flashback) killed any interested I had in the victim and didn't provide any reason why I should care. Also, while it may be historically accurate, the prejudicial attitude and comments towards the (main) Irish character turned me right off. People that ignorant should be culled from society. Can you tell I have little tolerance for stupid people?

Stick with Barron's "Jane Austen Mysteries".

"Night Bites" by Nina Bangs (c2005) Rating: Pass

Bangs's name came up when I was looking for other supernatural authors. I had a bad feeling when I opened the book and it began with a "cosmic troublemaker" named Sparkle Stardust. No, not a stripper but definitely sex obsessed. A vampire has tracked down the stolen, immortal, human daughter of his best friend in order to reunite them but he thinks it will be difficult to convince her that vampires exist and that they aren't all evil. Dude! She's 726 years old. I'm sure she has a clue that something ain't normal. So of course they fall in love in the week he has to convince her.

It wasn't even good smut, yet not bad enough to be porn. The story was much more into the fantasy genre than I usually go. I won't be going back.

"Industrial Magic" by Kelley Armstrong (c2004) Rating: Readable

Somebody is killing off the children of cabal CEOs and Paige and Lucas are hired to find the murderer. Along the way, they also Eve Levine the ghost, and introduce Jaime Vegas the necromancer who become the narrators in later books. But Armstrong did bring in Clay and Elena, so it wasn't a total waste. I really want another fully were-wolf book.

Kelley Armstong and Women of the Otherworld

2009-01-11T09:51:00.003-06:00

Sounds like a "B" sci-fi flick, doesn't it.

Kelley Armstrong is a Canadian ( \0/ ) sci-fi/romance writer who has created an modern AU where supernatural creatures exist among humans but remain under the radar. She started with werewolves and then moved on to witches and sorcerers, demons and half-demons, vampires, angels and ghosts.

My coverage class at UCLA paid off. I can now specifically identify what I like and don't like about a story. I love Armstrong's werewolf stuff and don't like her other stuff. When the story is a combination of the two - like "Personal Demon" - I like the werewolf parts and suffer through the rest. The romance parts are almost Harlequinesque. No throbbing members or other body part euphemisms. Sex is only between partners; there is no random sex. The characters aren't Puritans. They've had other sex but we don't need or get descriptions of it.

I've made my way through most of her books in the last few months and here's what I think. The ratings are a little different this time. I'm rating how I liked them, not how they were written. Armstrong is a good writer and all her books are well done. This is strictly subjective on content.

"Bitten" 1st book. Werewolf book. My favourite to date. I love Elena and Clayton and this is their story. Recommended with a star.

"Stolen" 2nd book. Werewolf book, but she introduced everybody else, particularly Paige Winterbourne, witch. A group is out to collect a variety of supernatural creatures and study them. The half-demons are on the bubble for me, but I don't like the witches. Readable.

"Dime Store Magic" 3rd book. Paige Winterbourne, witch, meets Lucas Cortez, sorcerer and Cabal son, in her attempt to keep custody of junior dark witch Savannah Levine. This is the start of the Cabals, the supernatural corporations. No wolves, no likey. Readable.

"Industrial Magic" 4th book. I'm getting it from the library next week. The review shows more Paige and Lucas, plus necromancers, ghosts and vampires. At this point it's looking like a duty read.

"Haunted" 5th book. The ghost of a witch falls in love with a dead half-demon in their quest to track down an escaped soul. Jaime Vegas, the necromancer shows up again. Tied for least favourite with "Dime Store Magic." Readable.

"Broken" 6th book. Also coming soon from the library. The blurb indicates it will be more Elena and Clay. Looking forward to it.

"No Humans Involved". Jamie Vegas stars, along with Jeremy the werewolf. Jaime discovers the spirit ghosts of several children who were killed by magic but not by witches or sorcerers. Closer to readable than recommended.

"Personal Demon" 8th book. Reviewed already. Recommended.

"Living with the Dead" 9th book. New, haven't read yet.

"Frostbitten" 10th book. Not out yet, but more Elena and Clay.

I haven't tried her two other series yet. I'm finding that I just confuse myself when I do that. I'm really looking forward to "Broken" and "Frostbitten". I will not buy the whole series but I think I'll get "Bitten" either way. This is my favourite series that has werewolves, and the only one I've found where they have a starring role.

Book Reviews: "Marked", "An Ordinary Decent Criminal", "An Irish Country Christmas", "Day of Wrath"

2009-01-11T09:45:00.003-06:00

I’ve decided to try something new this year. I’ll do a mini-review of all (God help us) books I read from the library but I’ll only do individual reviews on books I purchase or on noteworthy finds.

I currently have two sets of books out. Combining the novels, here are my thoughts to date:

“Marked” by P.C. Cast and Kristin Cast (c 2007) Rating: Readable

This is the first House of Night novel, another teenage vampire series. Unlike Twilight, the mother and daughter team have developed a new mythology. Vampirism is now genetic. When the carrier hits his or her teens, the person is “marked” with a facial tattoo and sent away to live at vampyre boarding school. However, being marked is no guarantee that the person will survive the conversion; some die before they become completely vampyre. Zoey Redbird is marked and wakes up at her new school with and advanced (as opposed to a fledgling) tattoo. While she adjusts to her new life, she must also find her place in a new school where she is invited to join the corrupt Dark Sister Sorority. Can she find her place and return the sorority to its former glory?

Yeah, probably, but the story cuts off right at that point. Stay tuned for the next exciting adventure. It’s a fine read for a teenager but lacks any advanced plotting or characterization, depending on a plodding format and stock characters. I’ll try the next one in the series but there is no way I’m shelling out for the book.

“An Ordinary Decent Criminal” by Michael Von Rooy (c 2005) Rating: Recommended

Just before Christmas, I read the sequel. I liked it enough to track down the author’s first novel. Once you get past the violence of the first three chapters, it’s a very good story about Monty Haaviko and his first attempt to go straight. After setting up in a new town with his wife and new baby, Monty is the victim of a home invasion that goes bad. Bad for the invaders – Monty kills them. Monty is then set up by a bent cop who wants the ex-con back behind bars. Marty fights the cops, some cons, neighbours who suffer from criminal NIMBY, and his own bad habits while he tries to decide if his new life is worth the hassle.

Von Rooy sets up several characters that reappear, and for a first novel it is quite well written. (There is also a marked improvement for “Your Friendly Neighbourhood Criminal” for incentive to future purchases.) I’m picking this one up on my next trip to the book store.

“An Irish Country Christmas” by Patrick Taylor (c 2008) Rating: Readable

This is the story of Doctor Barry Laverty and his senior partner Doctor Fingal O’Reilly and the story of the Christmas season of Ballybucklebo, County Down, Ireland in the year 1964. It’s a meandering tale of fellowship and small town life and trials with a wee bit of romance thrown in for good measure, don’t you know. Sorry, the accent is contagious.

I saw this book in the McNally Robinson Christmas catalogue, and as I’m considering my own Christmas novel, I thought I should check out the competition. It was a well-written story but not my cup of tea (no pun intended this time). Turns out, I’m not much into this style of book. Taylor is to Ireland is what Fannie Flagg’s “Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Café” is to the South, or “Standing in the Rainbow” is to small town Missouri. Unfortunately, I have no exposure to current Irish life (let alone how it existed almost half a century ago), while I can at least relate to some of the language and geography of Flagg. On the plus side, there are a bunch of recipes for me to try again, which I will photocopy when I return it to the library. If you enjoy stories set in the Emerald Isle, you’ll probably like this one, which seems to be the third in the series.

“Day of Wrath” by Larry Bond (c 1998) Rating: Pass

In this sequel to “The Enemy Within” (which I didn’t read), U.S. Army Colonel Peter Thorn and FBI Special Agent Helen Gray come together again to investigate a plane crash in Russia. After determining the plane was sabotaged its last stop (a Russian military base rotting with corruption), Thorn and Gray discover that the passengers discovered that corrupt officers sold Russian nuclear arms to terrorists. There are twenty devices being smuggled into the U.S. Unfortunately, Thorn is already considered a maverick and Gray’s superior is a Russian mole and between the two of them, the entire U.S. military and intelligence community are after them. Still, with the help of one loyal friend, they stop the plot, catch the bad guys and recover the nukes.

The main problem with techno thrillers is they do not hold up well, especially those written before 9-11. This plot involves strapping nukes onto small planes and detonating them as they buzz the Pentagon, among other strategic targets. As unlikely as it was before, 20 planes violating secure airspace these days is beyond imagination.

My second complaint with all – and I do mean all – of Bond’s books is the women. He has one single woman in every novel, and she’s the love interest to one of the heroes. Every damn time. I mean, the other characters don’t have wives or secretaries. I fully realize that the upper government and military and intelligence echelons are still boys’ clubs, but throw me a bone here, Larry. Yes, another pet peeve.

Bond got his start with “Red Storm Rising” with Tom Clancy but never reached that height again. I’m not going to read the rest.

Canadian Tire

2009-01-04T16:35:00.005-06:00

It's more than just tires.

It's an institution. If you live in Canada and have ever had to shop for a male, you have - at some time - bought his present at Canadian Tire. It's the only store ever that has its biggest shopping day on the Saturday day before Father's Day. Forget Home Depot or Revy - those johnny-come-latelys are sad imitators of the real thing.

Canadian Tire is a store for all seasons, for all men. For summertime, they sell fishing, hunting and camping gear. Need something for a winter gift? Hockey gear, ice-fishing augers and snowshoes. For the year-round handyman they have plumbing and electrical supplies so he can fix his own toilet or hang his own chandelier. I've never wandered through the car accessories department but I know they have them. I'm not really sure where they keep the tires.

They also have a garden centre. That's how we Canadians know that winter is over. Once that chain-link fence goes up on the side of the building, the bedding plants and frost-free nights are soon to follow. Inside the store, displays of shovels and tire chains come down to make room for rakes and trowels and planters. Like the seasons themselves, the stock shift takes place over a period of time, ebbing and flowing with the weather since a late-March snowstorm will once again cause a rush on shovels and snow blower parts. But once the trickle starts, nothing can hold it back.

For the first time, I hit the exact date of the changeover. I went to Canadian Pneu today to buy lightbulbs (what do you mean - don't you buy lightbulbs at a store with "Tire" in the name?) and saw something more important than the first robin of spring, the reopening of the corner Dairy Queen and even the chain-link for the Garden Centre.

Two rows down from the poinsettias that were on sale for $1.50 each, was a display that brought a smile to my face. The seed packages are out. Flower seeds, vegetable seeds, herb seeds. They are in the main aisle, standing loud and proud for everybody to see.

Christmas is over. It's time to start planning your garden people. It's the Canadian way.

Welcome to 2009 - my year of living dangerously

2009-01-01T13:55:00.002-06:00

2008 was my year of living electronically. I joined an internet chat group. I joined an online community. I completed half a certificate program via online courses. I learned more about computers than I ever cared to know. I did however resist societal urges and peer pressure; as a result I am still cell-phone, iPod and digital camera free. I'm reconsidering the camera.

It was pretty slow in the real world. I didn't leave the city limits. I didn't get a new job. I didn't gain or lose any immediately family members. We sold the truck so I'm back on the bus and it's working out better than I thought it would. I only attended one writing event.

But that is history. There is a fresh year out there, people. Lots to see and do. And I intend to enjoy it. Therefore, instead of doing resolutions, I have started list of Things To Do Before I Die. A Bucket list, as it were.

I have two dozen items so far. I will cross them out and add new ones in as I follow my bliss. I hope to die with a couple hundred things crossed off and several dozen left on it because how terrible would it be to still be alive with nothing left that you want to do?

So, here it is.

The List.

Review (Book): "Darkly Dreaming Dexter" by Jeff Lindsay

2008-12-28T17:07:00.006-06:00

c 2004

Rating: Recommended

This book was unusual in two ways. It's been a long time since I've read a serial killer book where the killer was more than a MacGuffin. Off hand, the last time I can remember a well-written serial killer was John Katzenbach's 1982 "In the Heat of the Summer" (later turned into "The Mean Season" starring Kurt Russell). The second thing was that I'd already seen season one of "Dexter".

For those who haven't seen the show (which, by the way, is also recommended) Dexter Morgan is a crime spatter analyst for the Miami Police Department by day and a serial killer by night. He was trained by his adopted father Harry - a cop - on how to commit the perfect murder on the condition that he only target people who had it coming. No, not the woman who cut you off in traffic or the bag boy who insists on putting your six-pack on top of your egg carton, I'm talking the worst of the worst. Dexter goes after his lesser brethren: other serial killers who weren't smart enough not to get caught.

Dexter seems to be a really good guy, and he works hard at the image because he knows he isn't normal. But this time, Dexter's secret gets very close to the surface when his sister Deb involves him in Miami's latest serial killer case, and instead of seeing his next victim, Dexter sees a potential BFF. And what's even better is that the killer has contacted Dexter with the message that he too wants to play.

As the killer's crime scenes grow bolder, so do Dexter's urges. Between covering up his own murders, dodging the growing suspicions of the cops he works with, and helping Deb figure out the killer's next move, Dexter's lack of control and sense of right and wrong take him to the very edge.

This was a good read. There was nothing too shocking as the television series stayed unusually faithful to the book. The lack of emotion in the show's voiceovers doesn't capture the essence of Dexter you can get from the book. In the case of the killer's identity, the show may even do a better job with the buildup. The author's descriptions of Miami don't offer anything new, although I am now curious as to what a medianoche sandwich tastes like. It was a quick, fun read and I've requested the next one from the library but I'm not ready to purchase it just yet.

Review (Book): "Personal Demon" by Kelley Armstrong

2008-12-28T16:47:00.001-06:00

c 2008

Rating: Readable (I was going to go with "Recommended" but I've been burned lately by supernatural writers, and I'm not sure if the book is really worth the reccie or if it is just better than the rest of the dreck I've been suffering through recently.)

Hope Adams is a half-demon tabloid journalist who, in order to repay a favour, goes undercover with a supernatural gang which is believed to be plotting to destroy an official supernatural organization called the Cortez Cabal. However, all is not not as it seems and neither is the gang. Additionally, Hope's ex is back in the picture after dropping her ruthlessly but the werewolf now has competition. Can he make up for past deeds and win back Hope's heart since he has decided to choose a mate-for-life, or will she fall for her potential demon-gened counterpart?

This book is one in a series is called "Women of the Otherworld". This one was pretty good. The description on the back of the book is a little misleading. It isn't quite a romance because there is minimal noogie, but there is a little. There are demons and ghosts and werewolves and witches, but they are still in the minority - more early Laurell Hamilton than Kim Harrison. The plot starts off in a pretty straight-forward manner: Hope has to get into the gang to see what's going on. Then it turns into something harder to describe. I tried to type the description about half a dozen times but kept deleting it. Suffice to say, it was unexpected and well-done.

There was something else worth mentioning. The author had a second story running. This is not unusual in and of itself, but she actually had to label the secondary story chapters "Lucas - 1" because everything is told in the first person. The stories eventually came together but it was more like they intersected rather than meshed.

I read a second Otherworld book called "Haunted". No secondary story this time. It would only receive a "Readable" rating. I think that one of my main complaints is that the main character was a witch, and I really dislike books with spell casting in them. Pet peeve, I guess.

Again, I've requested more Armstrong books from the library, but I'm not shelling out for any yet.

Review (Book): "Your Friendly Neighbourhood Criminal" by Michael Van Rooy

2008-12-14T09:59:00.005-06:00

c 2008

Rating: Recommended

It's not easy going straight. Just ask ex-con Montgomery "Monty" Haaviko, who is trying to do the right thing. But when he is approached to set up a smuggling route (for a good cause - honest!), his neighbourhood begins to suffer from an influx of undesirables and neglect, and a former co-conspirator shows up on his door, all the good intentions in the world may not be enough.

Van Rooy weaves an intricate, solid story and while all the sub-plots are not directly related to the main crime, they develop Monty's characters and relationships nicely. He neatly twists the smuggling route set-up from what would be a somewhat repetitive crime into the promise of something much grander by turning it into the basis for a larger criminal endeavour with all its ensuing conflicts. My only disappointment with the book - and it was a small one - was that I wish he would have provided a fuller conclusion to the original people-smuggling storyline instead of the simple "it worked." Perhaps it will reappear in a later book. (Positive thinking - it will reappear and there will be more books, thank you.)

I really enjoyed Van Rooy's style. The writing is direct and fast-paced. The people who populate the book - while not all likeable - are believable and human. He has a sense of humour, which is hard to find in harder crime dramas. And he knows how to put together a story. The plot flows well with constantly forward-moving momentum and the character-building scenes provide little breathers without disrupting the established tone. There is a high level of description, not only in the commission of the crimes (useful to the budding ne'er-do-well) but also in the violent interaction between characters. I found the gore a little disturbing as most of my previous exposure to crime and mystery books seldom explore details beyond saps and fistfights. Of course, a lot of what I read was written in the 40s and 50s. In this age of reality television, I guess it is only natural not to gloss over the dark side anymore. It does give the book a flavour of its own.

I basically stopped reading crime and mystery stories almost a decade ago. I ran out of enjoyable writers. While I preferred to read something hard-boiled, I knew it wasn't always possible. However, it was getting incredibly hard to find something that wasn't cutesy or supernatural. For those of you who prefer to only try new writers if you can compare them to somebody you've already read, Van Rooy is the new Robert B. Parker. Monty is Spenser with a felonious history and a sense of humour. And instead of impromptu cooking lessons, readers get how-to lessons on MacGyverizing Canadian Tire items into a household defense system. Or a master thief's kit. Take your pick.

It's strange to read about Winnipeg with the same level of detail as Parker's Boston but Van Rooy's familiarity with the city gives a strong setting to the story that most crime novels simply gloss over. If it's set in Florida, you end up in the Everglades. If it's LA, you get strippers on Hollywood Blvd. "Your Friendly Neighbourhood Criminal" moves from our eclectic Osborne Village to the old North End and provides the same shifts in tone to make all the differences in locale real (which, of course, they are. And you'd know it if you lived here.)

"Your Friendly Neighbourhood Criminal" is the follow-up book to 2005's award winning "An Ordinary Decent Criminal", which I have requested from the library. It looks like I've finally found another crime series I can really sink my teeth into.

Thanks to Ravenstone for the copy.

Review (Book): "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker

2008-10-11T15:11:00.004-05:00

c 1997

Rating: Highly Recommended

I remembered picking up "The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence" in a bookstore several years ago. I looked at it, set it back on the shelf, and thought of it from time to time with regret at not making the purchase. Then, this summer a friend said that her mother just recommended the most amazing book, and I had the opportunity to read it.

I'm glad I did.

This is a non-fiction book. It is scary and often hard to read.

The first chapter details how a woman got raped. It described the tactics used by the rapist, the decisions the woman made, and the results of each step. It feels like voyeurism with the exception that it is the woman telling her story so others can learn from it.

Chapter two tells the tale of a man who got a bad feeling when he walked into a convenience store. He turned around and walked out without understanding why. Moments later a cop entered the store and was killed during a robbery in progress. After analysing the event, the man was able to recognize the subtle clues that gave him the urge to get away from the situation.

And on and on. De Becker gives example after example of how our instincts give us information, even if we don't understand what it is at the time. He explains why our first instincts are usually the right ones and why we often don't listen. He debunks myths and misconceptions about common knowledge vs. reality. For example (and this is right from the book):

For example, people tend to invest all kinds of intuitive ability in dogs, a fact that I was reminded of recently when a friend told me this story: "Ginger had a really bad reaction to our new building contractor; she even growled at him. She seemed to sense that he isn't trustworthy, so I'm going to get some bids from other people."

"That must be it," I joked with her. "The dog feels you should get another general contractor because this one's not honest."

"The irony," I explained, "is that it's far more likely that Ginger is reacting to your signals than that you are reacting to hers. Ginger is an expert at reading you, and you are the expert at reading other people."

Then he goes on to explain the theory, and it makes sense (p.30, if you're interested.)

There is an entire chapter on Survival Signals. It left me feeling like an idiot. I knew this stuff, but I've fallen for it time and again. Now I feel that I know better and won't be caught as often in the future. (I know I won't be perfect, but practice will lower the number of incidents.) In particular, a paragraph on charm got me.

Charm is another overrated ability. Note that I call it an ability, not an inherent feature of someone's personality. Charm is almost always a directed instrument, which, like a rapport building, has motive. To charm is to compel, to control by allure or attraction. Think of charm as a verb, not a trait. If you consciously tell yourself, "This person is trying to charm me," as opposed to "This person is charming," you'll be able to see around it.

He explains fear. There are different kinds of fear. Some are useful; some aren't. Fear manifests in several different ways and to varying degrees. Once you recognize it in your own body, you can use it. Mostly, this book teaches you to - and how to - pay attention to it to keep yourself alive.

Many of the latter chapters were interesting but not as useful. De Becker's company specializes in executive/high end analysis. Corporation heads and movie stars have bodyguards and companies like his to go through mail and separate the dangerous letters from the everyday mostly-harmless whackos. It's interesting if you are interested in criminal psychology but it doesn't have much practical application.

I hate to use "should", but there are some things every woman should do. Take at least one self-defense course. And read this book.

I truly think it is that important. Read it. Make your sister and your mother and your friends read it. Talk about the situations it covers. You may not be able to use all of it. You may not be able to use most of it. But if you go away with even a couple pointers you can use, it was well worth the time invested. Like I said, some of it is uncomfortable. It talks about scary things. Some of it is hard because you may recognize yourself in the role of the victim. Knowledge is the first step. Practical application is the second. Pay attention. It's your life. It's the only one you get.

Review (TV): New Show - Fringe

2008-09-21T14:03:00.003-05:00

7.5 out of 10

A lot of people are upset at the comparisons of "Fringe" to "The X-Files" but I am not one of them. Chris Carter's "The X-Files" is the benchmark for this type of show, and "Fringe" measures up nicely.

When a trans-Atlantic flight lands with all souls on board having been mysteriously evaporated down to their skeletons, FBI Agent Olivia Dunham is part of the team which investigates the event. Research leads her to a mad, incarcerated scientist named Walter Bishop, who can only be released into the custody of his brilliant but uncooperative son Peter. One of Walter's decades-old, highly illegal and unethical experiments is the basis for this neo-terrorist viral attack and he comes up with the solution to keep it from killing more people.

With Walter Bishop's history in the "fringe" (aka pseudo) sciences, there promises to be a ton of experiments from the outer limits. The show's most famous creator, J.J. Abrams (Alias, Lost, Cloverfield), had a history of working in this genre. Unfortunately, he also has a history of starting strong and fading fast as his story lines venture from "willing suspension of disbelief" to "will you give me a break already". In theory, the writers should have a lot to work with. Practically, I think that they are going to be a lot more limited that they imagined.

As a big plus, the show has introduced (but not developed) a strong secondary story line of a conspiracy. "The Pattern" is a series of events happening around the globe. These events aren't quite traditional terrorism but they are definitely man-made attacks with no discernible source. When the wacky science loses its thrall in the next few weeks, it will be good to have this to turn to. It will give the writers some time to find more science for the last third of the season.

Joshua Jackson (Peter) and John Noble (Walter) have very good father-son chemistry. Jackson and Anna Torv (Olivia) is yet to be determined. I hope that the writers do not try to force a romantic relationship. Let it develop over time if it's meant to be at all, please. Mulder and Scully did just fine before they got together.

Also, please, no aliens.

Altogether, a good addition to the Tuesday night line-up.

Review (TV): Returning Show - Supernatural

2008-09-21T11:34:00.002-05:00

I missed this show so much! Last year's strike-shortened season ended with Kripke & Co doing the unthinkable - they actually sent one of the two leads to Hell. Really, to Hell, the pit of fire, brimstone and eternal suffering. They were very bold.

This year started with Dean Winchester clawing his way out of his grave. He has no real memory of the last four months as Lucifer's houseguest but was granted a nifty parting gift - a handprint burned into his shoulder. After tracking down old friend Bobby (who tried to kill him three times) and his brother Sam (who only tried once), they all decided they had no idea how Dean got out. After a visit to a psychic ended badly, the boys confronted some demons who also didn't know anything, except for the fact that Dean's new puppetmaster is something/body that they really don't want to mess with.

Pretending to be satisfied with that answer for now, they boys lied to each other while claiming to have the midnight munchies. Sam went to find Ruby-now-a-brunette and he exorcised some demons without Latinating. (Naughty Sam has been using his psychic mojo the whole time Dean was on his underworld field trip. He really shouldn't be trusting his tutor. Or boffing her. Bad things will happen when this is discovered. I can't wait.) Dean and Bobby decided to do a CSI trace on the fingerprints seared into Dean's shoulder and called forth whom/whatever left them. Turns out, Dean was pulled out of Hell by an angel on God's orders. Or so the "angel" said. With the "Dogma" shout-outs, it's a shame that Alan Rickman wasn't available, but the new guy's cute enough on his own.

Excellent start to the season, boys! Lots of promise! New episode right away, please.

Review (Book): "Twilight" by Stephenie Meyer

2008-09-21T10:02:00.002-05:00

c 2005

Rating: Recommended

Isabella Swann is the new kid in Forks, Washington. She took the "new kid" mantle from the incredibly good-looking mysterious Cullens. When Bella gets close to Edward Cullen, she learns the reason for the mystery: Edward and his family are all vampires.

This YA novel has many of the expected vampire cliches. Edward and his family are "good" vampires who try to live off the blood of animals. They are all incredibly good looking. They are rich, having had decades or centuries to amass their wealth. And my personal pet peeve, the 100+ year old men always fall for the teenaged virgin girls.

Meyer also has added some personal twists. Vampires aren't allergic to daylight; they sparkle like diamond-skinned angels in the sun. But since drawing attention like that to themselves is bad, they stay hidden. This makes Meyer's location of the always cloudy Washington state a nice touch. Additionally (and thankfully for me personally), Meyer attributes Edward's initial attraction to Bella by claiming that she is "his brand of heroin." He's attracted to the scent of her blood, not her moody 17-year-old persona.

The author also works some decent action scenes into the 500 page book.

What amazes me is that I hadn't even heard of this series until the fourth book was released last month. All four books in the series have dominated the top 5 positions in the YA Bestsellers list for weeks. I thought it was incredibly good for an author's first novel but a quick check shows that she had published one before this one.

I'm quite impressed with the whole thing. It's much better written than the Harry Potter series (which demonstrates how useful a good editor can be). It has a quickly-moving plot. The characters are rather formulaic but it is nice to have a teenager who acts like one rather than like a little adult. It's entertaining and, really, that is the most important quality in any book in my opinion.

I've requested the next books in the series from the library (I got on the wait list at #80) but I'm not prepared to shell out for them just yet.

Review (Book): "Eat Cake" by Jeanne Ray

2008-09-14T19:09:00.004-05:00

c 2003

Rating: Highly Recommended

"Eat Cake" is a feel-good book. A happy, make you smile, hug your mom, life is good book. It generates the same response for me as "Julie & Julia" , which is also food based. Perhaps there is a theme here.

"Eat Cake" is the story of Ruth, a woman who bakes. She bakes when she's happy, she bakes when she's sad. She bakes when she's nervous, and when she can't sleep, and for no reason at all. She bakes cakes and she is very, very good at it.

When her husband loses his job at the same time that her estranged father moves into her house where her mother is also living, there are a lot of sad and nervous days and many sleepless nights. When Ruth is inspired to use her cakes to start a business and save her family, everything eventually comes together like a three-layer Lady Baltimore.

As an added bonus, at the back there are over a dozen cake and frosting recipes. Some of them sound to-die-for. I tried to make the Sweet Potato Bundt Cake with Rum-Plumped Raisins and a Spiked Sugar Glaze but I forgot 2 of the 4 eggs so it was a little heavy. It was still quite good though. I've copied all the recipes and there are several that I feel I can actually make.

It's not a terribly exciting story. It's not profound. But it's well-written with wonderful characters and it ends happily-ever-after.

It's a good, happy book. And some days - not often mind, but some days - you need that more than a piece of cake.

Review (Book): "The Little Black Book of Style" by Nina Garcia

2008-09-14T18:49:00.004-05:00

c 2007

Rating: Highly Recommended.

Every woman should read the first fifty pages of this book. The author (Fashion Director of Elle Magazine) knows what she is talking about.

Chapter One. The first thing every woman should wear is confidence. Big, glowing, in-your-face confidence in yourself and acceptance in your body. The first chapter is available online at http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Little-Black-Book-of-Style/Nina-Garcia/e/9780061234903#EXC . Even if you don't read the rest of the book, read this.

Chapter Two. Nina tells you how to establish a wardrobe that is always in style, how to make the most of what you already have, and the absolute must-haves. If the first chapter is good for your self-esteem, the second chapter is vital for your closet. You can stop reading now.

The Rest. The rest is fashion designers talking about what is stylish and sexy. Truthfully, I skipped most of this part. It wasn't nearly as useful as the first third of the book.

The only other thing of note that I got was the fact that lingerie is for you, not your lover. It should fit well, make you feel good about yourself, and flatter your outerwear. So apparently, I need to ditch the cotton granny panties.

I can't recommend buying this book. It's only 144 pages long, and a lot of that is cutesy cartoons, framed inspirational quotes and white space. But you should definitely read the first 50 pages. Heck, I want to copy them.

Quotes from Steven King's "On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft" (2000)

2008-09-14T16:01:00.004-05:00

I don't know if this will help you to understand a writer or the writing process any more than you do right now, but it's a good place to start.

* * * * *

Let's get one thing clear right now, shall we. There is no Idea Dump, no Story Central, no Island of the Buried Bestsellers; good story ideas seem to come quite literally from nowhere, sailing at you right out of the empty sky: two previously unrelated ideas come together and make something new under the sun. Your job isn't to find these ideas but to recognize them when they show up.

When you write a story, you're telling yourself the story. When you rewrite, your main job is taking out all the things that are not the story.

Writing is a lonely job. Having someone who believes in you makes a lot of difference. They don't have to make speeches. Just believing is usually enough.

The idea that creative endeavor and mind-altering substances are entwined is one of the great pop-intellectual myths of our time. ... Hemingway and Fitzgerald didn't drink because they were creative, alienated, or morally weak. They drank because it's what alkies are wired up to do. ... We all look pretty much the same when we're puking in the gutter.

Life isn't a support-system for art. It's the other way around.

... it's writing, damn it, not washing the car or putting on eyeliner. If you can take it seriously, we can do business. If you can't or won't, it's time for you to close the book and do something else.

If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others: read a lot and write a lot.

Almost everyone can remember losing his or her virginity, and most writers can remember the firs book he/she put down thinking: I can do better than this. Hell, I am doing better than this! ... One learns most clearly what not to do by reading bad prose - one novel like ... is worth a semester at a good writing school, ...

I think you begin by interpreting "write what you know" as broadly and inclusively as possible.

When I'm asked why I decided to write the sort of thing I do write, I always think the question is more revealing than any answer I could possibly give. Wrapped within it, like the chewy stuff in the center of a Tootsie Pop, is the assumption that the writer controls the material instead of the other way around.

Book-buyers aren't attracted, by and large, by the literary merits of a novel; book-buyers want a good story...

When I told the interview that I believed stories are found things, like fossils in the ground, he said that he didn't believe me. I replied that that was fine, as long as he believed that I believe it.

Some people don't want to hear the truth, of course, but that's not your problem.

If you continue to write fiction, every character you create is partly you.

And if you do your job, your characters will come to life and start doing stuff on their own. I know that sounds a little creepy if you haven't actually experienced it, but it's terrific fun when it happens. And it will solve a lot of you problems, believe me.

Good fiction always begins with story and progresses to theme; it almost never begins with theme and progresses to story.

When a novelist is challenged on something he likes - one of his darlings - the first two words out of his mouth are almost always Yeah but.

The most important things to remember about back story are that (a) everybody has a history and (b) most of it isn't very interesting.

Writing did not save my life - but it has continued to do what it always has done: it makes my life a brighter and more pleasant place.

Writing isn't about making money, getting famous, getting dates, getting laid, or making friends. It's about getting up, getting well and getting over. Getting happy, okay? Getting happy.

Review (TV): Returning shows - Bones and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

2008-09-08T21:11:00.004-05:00

Bones:

Bad show. No biscuit. Why? Because you have two hours, with Booth and Brennan in England and you come up with "the butler did it". And even then, it was inconclusive. Let me explain how this works. You either solve the case, or - rarely - you don't. None of this halfer business. The second case wasn't much better. "Hey, it's the fourth act so we'd better find the murder weapon and hey it leads directly to the killer and we solve the other mystery as well."

Then, you mess with the rest of it.

I can't believe that Zach only got one mention, and not even by name. Where is the trauma? The hostility for Zach's replacement and residual fear of further betrayal from remaining co-workers? The self-torment for not having seen it? We did get a bit of Zach continuity. They brought back Clark (the kid who was applying to be Zach's replacement) but they sent him packing.

Dear Writers: Anvils are not necessary. Thanks.

Truly, I understand the concept of sexual tension. I don't need to be hit over the head with it. Repeatedly. The only good part was the well-written exchange between Brennan and the female cop when it came to comparing the British bloke to Mount Everest. That was good. You didn't need to add that final dig about how Brennan should be looking at her partner. I got it. Really.

When Hodgins and Angela broke up for no apparent reason, I threw in the towel altogether.

I don't know what happened this year. The whole format seems to have changed. The case-solving techniques, the character interaction, the humour. Especially the humour. See above anvil note.

I hope the premiere was not indicative of the rest of the season. I'll give it a couple more episodes but "Bones" is on my "watch" list. And not the good "watch" list either.

* * *

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

Good start. I'm happy with it. There wasn't a whole lot of plot but there was enough to keep the episode moving. There was lots of character development; mostly for John, a little less for Sarah, but even Agent Ellison and EMT Charlie got some.

I was not happy with the scene between Cameron and John and the two radiators. Having the robot say "I love you" was a great ploy. Having John react like he loves the robot (not just needs or likes, but truly loves) is more than a little disturbing in an already troubled teen. So help me, if they turn Cameron into a fem-bot, I'm gonna hunt that 'borg down and reprogram her myself.

I actually notice the music on this show. I normally don't. (For instance, in Supernatural, I will never forget "Renegade" from Nightshifter because it *was* the dialogue for the whole escape scene. I kinda remember "Back in Black" from Ghostfacers, but that was also pointed out to me after the fact.) But the Johnny Cash in the finale, and whatever it was for the opening sequence here was really good. Again, it functioned as the dialogue. I don't know who the music editor is, but I tip my hat. I wish I could think like that.

For the record, I totally called the redhead as a Terminator. Although, honestly, I didn't think they'd bring in a newer model. Good twist, show.

Storywise, I have no idea where they are going to go this season. I have not seen or read any spoilers (and the channel cut off my scenes from next week, so I didn't even get a hint). I'm looking forward to the unknown future.

Review (TV): New Show - 90210

2008-09-08T20:52:00.003-05:00

6 out of 10

I think it's inherently bad to start any review with the words, "Hey, remember the original?" So let's pretend.

Concept: A nuclear family (mom, dad, brother, sister) move from the Midwest to Beverly Hills.

Wait, this still sounds familiar.

Seriously, it wasn't bad. I'd probably watch it again. Not this week, apparently, because it's not on that I can find.

The series premiered with a two hour double-episode bang. The first hour wasn't good. The second hour was much better.

Casting notes:

I used to like Rob Estes but now he's played a lot of creepy characters and I tend to associate an actor with his work. Now he's a principal. Lori Loughlin as the mother of teens was unexpected. First, I still picture her on "Full House" (I never watched "Summerland") so it's weird seeing her all grown up. Secondly, I didn't know she was in the show. Jennie Garth is still very pretty. Shannon Doherty was interesting to see - unfortunately for me, her real life has ruined all chances of me seeing her as any character without remembering her media clips. I understand she's only in 4 episodes, and we've seen 2, so that's good.

There are too many kids to keep straight and I don't know any names - of actors or characters - at this point. There were a lot of kids. I was really surprised that the show went to the trouble of casting and explaining that an African-American boy was an adopted family member and then didn't have another African-American character in the entire two hours. One thing of note; I think that "Ethan" (the good boy) looks strikingly like Brandon. I love the continuity.

Story notes:

Without exaggeration, the writers must have introduced a dozen storylines in the first two hours. I liked about half, which may be enough to keep me watching. Most of the teenaged angst doesn't do it for me. (High school was tough enough the first time round, thankyouverymuch. I really don't need to relive the worst parts on a weekly basis.) But the puppy love stuff is cute to watch. Unfortunately, the storylines that I don't like, I really don't like (Hey - it's Grandmommy Dearest). The trick is going to be making sure that the writers keep some of my favourites in every episode (they only have 47 minutes a week.)

Over all, I think they did a good job at trying to launch what has to be a tentpole show for the CW network.

Review (Movie): Mamma Mia! (2008)

2008-08-18T21:01:00.002-05:00

9 out of 10

Starring Meryl Streep, Julie Walters, Christine Baranski, Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan, Stellan Skarsgard and Amanda Seyfried

Wonderful, wonderful movie! I highly recommend it. It's funny and feel-good and just plain good. I have never seen the musical so I can't compare the two but if I have the chance to see the musical I certainly will after this.

Sophie is getting married and would like to be given away by her father. Unfortunately, she doesn't know who he is and has three likely candidates. So she decides to invite them all without telling her mother. When they arrive and Donna finds out, she flips out. And the fun, wacky, sing-a-longness ensues.

Give me some credit. I didn't actually sing along in the theatre. But I knew most of the words. (Upon reflection, this would be a very good sing-a-long movie once I get it home in DVD format. Very good indeed. Especially with some wine to loosen up those old vocal chords. Oh, yes.)

The women's singing was pretty good. Especially Baranski's version of "Does your mother know". The men weren't quite up to the same level but it wasn't painful to listen to. Besides, I was having too much fun to care very much. I haven't laughed so hard in a theatre for ages.

I can't speak too much for the choreography because I don't know enough to make any intelligent observations. Streep's dance to the title song looked a little odd to me but maybe it was supposed to.

I would have rated it 9.5 but they made Firth's character gay and it seemed to be a cheap way out but this is still the best movie I have ever rated.

Go watch. Go sing. Go dance. Go enjoy.

Review (Movie): The Mummy - Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008)

2008-08-18T20:31:00.003-05:00

6 out of 10

Starring Brendan Fraser, Maria Bello

I loved "The Mummy". Absolutely loved it. "The Mummy Returns" was okay too. I even sat through "The Scorpion King" but we won't go there.

Now we have "The Mummy - Curse of the Dragon Emperor".

If it was a Mummy movie, it would have been pretty good. If it had been "The Curse of the Dragon Emperor" it would have been pretty good as well. However this time the whole was less than the sum of its parts.

It's ten years after Rick and Evelyn O'Connell's last mummy adventure and they have retired to a life of domestic tranquility. They aren't too pleased with it and they jump at the chance to deliver an artifact to China, where they will have the opportunity to see their now-grown son Alex, who is an archaeologist in his own right.

Once in China they accidentally raise the legendary Dragon Emperor who was thisclose to taking over the world when he was cursed. They pick up Evie's brother Jonathan and rush off to save the world. Again.

The Dragon Emperor storyline was quite good all on its own. He was a vicious, power-hungry leader who was brought down by a witch. I know the tomb part was based on the Terracotta warriors and the real-life tomb of the first emperor of the Qin Dynasty. I've been interested in these for a long time and it was interesting to see the mythology that was created.

This script was written by Alfred Gough and Miles Millar. You may recognize the names as the creators of "Smallville". You can tell. They tried too hard. In addition to the mummy they have Yeti (abominable snowmen), an immortal witch, a dragon, an army of skeletons who are the good guys, a romantic interest for Alex, the requisite flyboy, and the lost city of Shangri La. That's like putting the entire Justice League and Marvel catalogue into two episodes. It's much too much.

They also messed with my characters. I don't like it when they do that.

Maria Bello replaced Rachel Weisz as Evie. Those were hard shoes to fill. I could tell by the dialogue that it was written for the rapport between Weisz and Fraser. If I didn't listen too hard, I could picture Weisz in the role. I think I would have rather had them replace the entire character. Bello didn't do a bad job. In fact, sometimes she sounded exactly like the old Evelyn. The problem was the next line, where the accent or inflection dropped and you were pulled out of the reverie.

Oh, my poor Rick. They turned you into a cold bastard of a father and I have no idea why. It wasn't necessary to create an estrangement between Rick and Alex. They ruined a perfectly good relationship which could have started good and ended better.

Jonathan was still a doofus, God love him.

I'll probably pick this one up to add to the collection, but I'm waiting for it to go on sale.

"Blood Noir" by Laurell K. Hamilton

2008-08-09T08:54:00.004-05:00

C 2008

Rating: Pass

In the latest entry to the Anita Blake series, Anita has sex with Jason and Nathaniel and then, through a poorly executed, barely developed, cliche-filled, sorry-excuse-of-a-plot (which has no relation to anything in the series), Anita and Jason travel to his hometown so she can be introduced to more wereanimals and have sex with them.

The End.

Review (Movie): Hellboy 2 - The Golden Army

2008-07-18T16:30:00.003-05:00

7 out of 10

Starring Ron Perlman, Selma Blair

Preview:
The theatre was packed for a Saturday matinee. I'm not entirely sure if it was the movie or the foul weather.
There were 5 previews and I only want to see one of them. For the record, there is no way am I paying to see "Death Race". From the clips, Joan Allen asks "Do you think he knows we set him up?" I DID! Somebody had an idea for a death match in cars with lots of crashes and vehicles blowing up. He then went to the plot store, bought 6 cliches for a dollar and came up with this. The only thing that can make it worse is if there are fart jokes that didn't make the preview. (Oh dear God, I just read the writer's bio. He gets the bulk discount on cliches.)

The main attraction.
The story behind the film - the story of the Golden Army itself - is worthy of its own movie. The Golden Army was an indestructible mechanical army which was built by goblins and controlled by the elven king. The elves used it to fight against the armies of men. When the costs of war got too big, elves and men came to a truce and the army was deactivated and hidden away. Thousands of years later, elf prince Nuada wants to wage war against the humans again. It's a great idea and the writers did a good job of using it as the basis for this sequel.

In the movie, Hellboy and company find out about Nuada's plans and must stop him in order to save mankind. It's pretty straight-forward stuff. I liked it all very much.

There is also another storyline about a romance between Abe and Nuada's twin sister princess Nuala, that was sweet and funny and had the benefit of giving Abe more screen time. I liked it and it was plot relevant.

It was the other secondary stories that I had problems with.

Liz and Hellboy are a couple now. Not a happy couple, mind you, because he insists on using her toothbrush to get the last bit of cat food out of the can. Also, he refuses to get rid of his 8-tracks because they are still coming back you know. (Attention Hollywood - please get over this obsession. Not only are 8-tracks dead, the music on them from that era should die as well. Thank you.) But this isn't the real issue. Liz is mad at him because she is pregnant. Should she tell him or shouldn't she? She confides in Abe but will he spill the beans? Etc, yadda yadda. The whole thing could have been done with their relationship. They didn't need plot babies.

The secret government agency (KAOS? SPECTRE? whatever) is getting a little upset with Hellboy not keeping to the shadows. He promises he will but he doesn't. As a result, KAOS gets a new director who is a reconstituted Nazi. Dumb, stereotype, cliche, gets a minute to hint to a tragic back story but really nobody cares. He does, however, have one tremendous laugh-out-loud scene so I'll forgive him.

I don't follow the comic book so I can't speak much to the costumes or make-up but the scenery was pretty cool. I loved the Goblin market. They had two really good primary stories and I laughed a lot. I won't go out and get the DVD but I'll watch it when it comes on TV.

The Devil's Ice Cream Truck

2008-07-06T14:17:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting at the table, typing away, when faint strains of "My Darling Clementine" come drifting through the open window. I valiantly try to ignore it because I'm working on an assignment for my second UCLA course (see, I told you UCLA would make a reappearance.) But cosmic Karma carries the xylophone notes on the breeze directly to my ears.

It takes me a minute to recognize but eventually I say to myself, "Hey, that's the ice cream truck. You know, the one that always drives down the next street over that you can't get to because of all the backyard fences. Pay it no mind."

But then the music gets louder.

I go onto my deck. I listen. Holy Cow - he's driving through our parking lot and he hasn't passed by yet! First time ever! Jackpot!

I grab my purse and slip on my flip-flops. I don't even stop to grab a hat to cover my bad hair. I race down the hall to the far end of the building, through open the fire door and careen down the first flight of stairs. Oh, boy, Popsicle, here I come!

Then through the window on the stairwell landing, I see the ice cream truck race past my building. He'll be to the street before I even get downstairs (and he still has to drive by one more building in my complex). I've missed him.

There is no way he was doing the speed limit through the parking lot. How are people supposed to catch him when he's going that fast? I'll bet that mean old driver has left broken-hearted children littering his route. I can imagine them sitting on the curb, sobbing their little hearts out, all for the lack of a Drumstick.

Wait, that may have been me.

Now I hear him driving by on the street. I didn't know anyone could play the xylophone player so fast. I hope Ice Cream Truck Man spends eternity with that stupid song playing the next street over.

The High Price of Freedom

2008-07-06T08:58:00.004-05:00

Now don't think I'm going all patriotic. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) This isn't about love of country, or self-sacrifice or duty. It's about economics. Money. Cashola.

We, the people living along the longest undefended border in the world, have the freedom to travel all over the continent and to feel the wind in our hair as we cruise the open roads. But that freedom is in danger. Not from terrorism, or even politics. This threat to our freedom has been brought to you by your corner gas station.

Yup, fuel costs are taking away my personal freedoms.

We have been lucky to have two vehicles for some time. It's been great. I can drive to work every day and run errands on the way home. I don't have to worry about weekend plans since we can each make up our own. I can finally return all the rides I've received from people over the years. But as you know from convenience stores, you pay for the privilege of that convenience. And the bill has come in.

After much discussion, soul searching and budget analysis, my household has decided to give up our second vehicle. It's basic math. 1 fill-up = a monthly bus pass. With at least three fill-ups a month, it is really no contest as to how to be fiscally responsible. My Chevy Blazer is a great vehicle, especially in the winter, but it gobbles gas like competitors do hotdogs at an eating contest. That doesn't even figure in monthly parking fees, insurance and maintenance. Not to mention, gas is expected to be at least $.15/litre higher by the end of the summer, let alone what it may reach by the end of the year.

So, back to one vehicle. Grocery shopping will require me to come home first and then go back out, as will other after-work activities. The only real problem occurs on the weekends when we both have plans but we are good at negotiating and compromising.

There are some up sides to getting rid of the second vehicle. Primarily, I'll have the money to keep the first one.

I'll be reducing my carbon footprint and will be helping the environment. (Are you saying this wouldn't be your second goal in the same situation. Be kind to Mother Earth. She's going to bury you one day.)

I'll be walking a lot more. I enjoy walking, and it's good exercise. For instance, Dairy Queen is a really long walk but a short drive. Now, if I walk there and back, any calories I consume when I get there will be cancelled out so it's like free ice-cream.

I'll be busing it to work everyday. Monthly bus passes are tax deductible.

Plus, taking the bus is always an enlightening experience. You get to meet new and interesting people every day. Whether you want to or not. (Hey, there's another entry right there). I'll get to read on the way to work again. The other drivers never appreciated when I did that in the Blazer. And I'll get to test out my new winter weather gear to see if it really is certified to 40 below.

So, it's not all bad. If convenience costs, a little inconvenience will be money in the bank.

Review (Book): "Dead Until Dark" by Charlaine Harris

2008-06-21T16:47:00.006-05:00

c 2001

Rating: Recommended

Sookie Stackhouse is a barmaid in Louisiana with a secret or two. First, she's psychic. Second, she really wants to meet a vampire. When she meets vampire Bill Compton, she finds out that secret number one is an even bigger problem than it was before.

"Dead Until Dark" is the first in Harris's Southern Vampire series. It's in the same vein as Jim Butcher and Laurell K. Hamilton, though with less sex than the latter. The story is set in a slightly AU reality where the things that go bump in the night are still around when the lights come on. Vampires, werewolves and shapeshifters and other ghoulies populate the novel.

There is a mystery component to the vampire action as well and it is done with some skill. (Pretty much par with Butcher, much better than Hamilton.) At any rate, it's more than an afterthought. Somebody is killing off waitresses who date vampires and Sookie had better figure it out fast. She does.

The setting is fabulous. I've never been to the southern States (I don't think Orlando and Walt Disney World are representative of the area) so it is all new to me. I enjoyed the rhythm of the language and the customs and mannerisms of the characters. It's also set in a small town rather than a city. As I've had experience with both these locations, Harris does a good job of recreating the attitude of a rural environment.

A few paragraphs, I said this book had less sex than a Hamilton novel. That's not hard. I only wish I could understand why we, the readers, need to know the details of vampire-boffing. Is it necessary for the women to always be virgins and the vamps to be lotharios? Also, why are the virgins always so good and memorable in bed that nobody else will do afterwards? Sookie may be psychic but nobody is that good her first time out.

I don't know if it was intentional, but the male lead - Vampire Bill - is a pretty unlikeable fellow. Sookie is a sweetheart, who hasn't dated much due to her condition. (If I knew exactly what my date was thinking when he was looking at me after a couple of beers, I wouldn't go out much either.) It makes sense that she doesn't recognize the fact that he's a bit of a dink. No, that's not a size comment. Sookie's brother Jason is a dink. Cop Andy Bellefleur is also dink. Sookie's boss Sam is not a dink, most of the time. Sookie's girlfriends and co-workers are friends and women, which means they can be catty on occasion, but most of the time they come through for her.

It's not a brilliant book. It lacks the impact it could have had because I read Butcher and Hamilton first. However, if you are just starting your foray into the supernatural genre, it's a pretty good place to start. Personally, I'm in the process of getting the rest of the series from the library. It's fun and it's light so I can recommend it for summer reading. Also, rumour has it that the Southern Vampire series is being turned into a television series, so this is your chance to be ahead of the curve.

Review (Movie): Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

2008-06-21T16:09:00.003-05:00

5.5 out of 10

Starring Harrison Ford

Five-and-a-half for an Indiana Jones movie. The end of the world is nigh, folks.

I understand why they wanted to bring back Indy. He was cool. He was ruggedly handsome. He was a profitable franchise.

He is old. Don't get me wrong, Harrison Ford is still handsome but he really, really looked like my grandfather. (My maternal grandfather, to be specific.) I never knew my grandfather when he looked young (duh, obviously) but it strains the suspension of disbelief to see it happen to somebody you know.

Then there was Indiana Jones. He has the hat - check. He has the whip - check. He fights the Russkies. What? No, Indy fights the Nazis. It's, like, a rule. However, since they advanced the age of the character, they had to advance the timeline of the character as well. "Crystal Skull" is set in the middle of the Red Scare in the States. Despite Indy's decade long assistance to the U.S. government during WWII by single-handedly killing about a million Nazis, he has become a suspected commie.

Wait. Just wait.

So the damned Reds (no caricatures here) have snuck into the U.S. and have managed to take over Area 51, where all the weird stuff is stored. They are after the remnants of the Roswell crash. You know, aliens. Because Indy was one of the specialists at the crash site, he should know where the bodies are buried, figuratively speaking.

The bad guys are led by a very naughty, er, bad girl with an accent and skin-tight clothing and a riding crop (okay, it's a sword, so it's not a complete cliche). They lure Indy into nuclear test area, where he survives being through clear by hiding in a lead lined fridge.

After losing his teaching position because he might be a Russian spy, he runs into a young man named Mud. Actually, it's Mutt because it said so on his jacket, but it really sounded like Shia LeBeouf was calling himself Mud. Mu-tt says that Indy has to help him find his father-figure mentor who disappeared in South America while chasing a legendary crystal skull that Indy also happens to be very knowledgeable about.

Yada yada, down to South America. Yada, yada find the Crystal Skull. This is Spielberg. This is Lucas. Why did the Crystal Skull look like a plastic cone stuffed with cellophane? Really. Two of the biggest special effects gurus ever and this is the best they could come up with? It was disappointing.

Yada yada, captured by Naz...Russkies. Yada yada, find missing mentor. Yada yada find missing mother, who just happens to be Indy's long lost love. Betcha can't guess what happens. Yeah, me, too. Yada yada, get to the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull... the Kingdom which was build by aliens.

Indiana Jones fights the Russians and almost gets beamed aboard an alien spacecraft. The end. At least, it was over for me at this point.

There were some cute action sequences. There was a cute call-back to "Raiders of the Lost Ark". The $9.50 entrance ticket was not cute. Don't even rent this one.

Why Diet Coke is Bad

2008-06-06T07:19:00.002-05:00

I was sitting at my desk yesterday, minding my own business, thinking to myself, "My, a diet coke would taste really good about now." So I reached under my desk and took out the can of diet coke that I'd been saving in my lunch kit for an afternoon snack. Then disaster struck.

I dropped it.

Please keep in mind that I was sitting at my desk and therefore dropped the can of highly pressurized pop from a height of no more than two feet. Unfortunately, it hit at the exactly right angle to crack the can. No, not at the tab, on top where the can creases in.

This itsy-bitsy accident, which normally would never bear mentioning, left me with a leaking can of pressurized pop under my desk, leaking on one side only. But pressurized pop doesn't leak, it sprays - a lot if the opening is just right, which it was. And a leak on one side of a pressurized can does not mean it stays on that side. Nope, it means the pressure causes the can to spin. Wildly. Under my desk.

I hear fizzing at my feet and shriek like a little girl. Later, people who heard me asked if I saw a mouse or something. A mouse would have been preferable. Mice don't attack.

I push my chair back in a lame attempt to capture the can and drop it into my trash can and contain the mess. A good idea in theory. But the can escaped.

At that point, it had coated the underside of the desk, my chair, my purse, my tote and both my pant legs (light beige, thank you very much). Once I moved, the can ricocheted off the wheels of my chair and into the open, still spraying a wide swath of diet coke on anything in the path. It continued its revolving trajectory for another eight feet until it stops, empty, in the middle of the freshly carpeted hallway. In that last bolt for freedom it also coated three filing cabinets, my coworker's desk and chair and several more square feet of carpet.

All I wanted was a drink. How did things end up? I was sticky, all my stuff and furniture was sticky, my coworker's stuff was sticky, and the carpet was a wreck. I spent the next twenty minutes wiping down my workspace, which will smell like Orange Windex for a week, and using spot remover on the carpet.

By the time I was done I'd worked up a sweat. Which meant I was left standing in front of the vending machine wondering if it was going to be worth it.

Review (Book): "Julie & Julia" by Julie Powell

2008-05-17T12:56:00.002-05:00

C 2005

Rating: Highly recommended.

You must buy this book right now. Come back and finish reading the review later.

* * *

Good, you're back. Okay, here's what to expect. It's chick lit. I didn't like "Shopaholic", was so-so on "Something Borrowed" and loved "Bridget Jones's Diary". This is an American girl's Bridget Jones. At first, I thought it was more crass than its predecessor across the pond, but then I realized that Helen Fielding swore just as much as Julie Powell. It only seemed more refined because everything does when you use a British accent. (I read it with a generic British accent in my head, which became Renee Zellweger doing a British accent after the movie.)

The book is mostly based on a blog that is a true story. Once upon a time in New York City lived a secretary named Julie who was pretty down on life. Despite her loving husband and steady pay cheque, Julie was depressed because her apartment left much to be desired, she couldn't get pregnant, she realized she was never going to achieve her dream of being an actress and things pretty much sucked as a -0 birthday approached. Then she met Julia.

Truthfully, she met Julia several years ago when she first found her mother's copy of "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" by Julia Child (MtAoFC, for short). Years later, when Julie realized that something was missing in her life - some purpose - she decided that her purpose would be to cook every recipe in MtAoFC in a year. That is 524 recipes in 365 days.

Why this became her purpose is still unclear. It's as funny as hell though. She started a blog to track her progress and called it "The Julie/Julia Project". The blog is still around but hasn't been updated since 2004 (the year before the book came out.) http://blogs.salon.com/0001399/2002/08/25.html Somewhere along the way her soul-saving project gained enough fans to become a book.

It's fun. It's literally laugh-out-loud funny. There is a running gag about a marrow bone that kills me. It's brutally honest, like truly funny things are wont to be. It's well written. It's somewhat educational. (For instance, I will never try such a project because I am NOT going to eat dozens of cold eggs covered in aspic.) And it's fun. I know I've said that already but it is worth repeating.

So if you are any one of the following:

a fan of Bridget Jones's diary
a cook
a wannabe cook
a person dreading a -0 birthday
a New Yorker
a person who wonders what life in New York City is like for a non-Sex and the City girl
married
a person who has lived in an apartment
looking for a laugh
breathing

you must buy and read this book immediately.

Why are you still in front of your computer? GO!

Part Magpie

2008-05-17T10:24:00.000-05:00

I’ve recently discovered a wonderful new place to shop. It has very reasonably priced, good quality merchandise.

Hold on a sec. There is something outside that’s blinding me.

Never mind. Some goof in the parking lot was washing his car and has it parked at just the right angle for the glare to go right through my window.

As I was saying, it’s a new store you may not have heard of. The Bay. (For those of you who do not reside north of the 49th parallel, the Hudson’s Bay Company is the oldest company in North America. It’s been around for about 400 years or so.) The department in question consists of two jewellery counters and several little circular tables. I found this treasure trove because of my birthday.

Sorry. I went to switch the wash and found forty cents at the bottom of the washer. Does Sunlight ever get coins clean!

I’m pretty spoiled. Most of my jewellery is good stuff that has come from reputable jewellers. If I needed something to go with an outfit, I’d go to Claire’s or Ardene’s and pick up something cheap. But those stores are really cheap. Buck-and-a-half, made-in-China, probably-not-even-real-plastic cheap. Occasionally I’d buy a matching bracelet or necklace in the clothing store where I found the outfit but they are always highly overpriced. But when I went into the Jewellery department at The Bay I was stunned by what I found.

Speaking of stunned, do you know that last night’s crystal wineglass that was left on the counter by the sink can still do the light diffraction thing on the wall even if there is a little Merlot left in the bottom? I digress.

Such pretty things! Sterling silver, real gold, bracelets, necklaces, earrings! My preciouses. But more than that, costume jewellery. Good quality costume jewellery. I could afford to match up the rest of my unaccessorized outfits without breaking the bank. In fact, I was so distracted by the possibilities put forth by the all the glittery baubles that it took a good half an hour before I remembered why I was in the department in the first place. I haven’t been back to the mall since that day because I don’t think I can stay away from all the shiny.

Diamonds may be a girl’s best friend but cubic zirconia will do fine as a passing acquaintance.

Review (Book): "The Sunday Philosophy Club" by Alexander McCall Smith

2008-05-10T14:31:00.002-05:00

c 2004

Rating: Pass

It is always disappointing to find a dud from an author you like. Unfortunately, "The Sunday Philosophy Club" (TSPC) falls into that category after I loved McCall Smith's "The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency".

TSPC is his new detective series. It should be a British cosy book. A woman sees a man fall to his death and decides to investigate. However, for a murder mystery it is neither murdery nor mysterious. Additionally, all of the characters this time out are utterly unlikeable, especially the title character Isabel Dalhousie. Between her endless sermonizing on morality and ethics, her judgmental comments and her hypocritical actions which include hitting on her niece's ex-boyfriend, I have no idea how she is supposed to come off as sympathetic, intelligent or believable as a detective. The male characters can be considered neutered at best when they aren't two-dimensional caricatures. The only decent one of the bunch is the housekeeper Grace, who could have done well with much more face time.

I will say this for McCall Smith. His descriptions are wonderful and he has a poetic sense of place. Edinburgh is painted beautifully and each scene where it is vividly portrayed is a joy to read. (He does the same with descriptions of Botswana in his other series).

He has two other series, but after being so badly burned by this book I will be checking them out from the library rather than buying them without reading them first.

57 Channels

2008-04-21T21:49:00.006-05:00

We have a satellite dish, which means we have more channels than decent programming by a ratio of about 10:1. Some of the channels I have absolutely no interest in - for example, the fishing channel. For the record, there ARE more boring sporting events to watch on television than bowling, darts and billiards. Two guys in a boat definitely top the list. Other channels I enjoy so much that I need a television for each of them. About six ought to do it. The rest are hit and miss. Except one.

The Food Network. This channel doesn't seem addictive and then it sucks you right in with its delicious advertising and programming. A lot of it I don't worry about. I will never bake my own wedding cake or tour vineyards in Italy or personally cook a seven-course French meal for twenty guests from scratch. That type of thing is fun to watch though.

The truly dangerous shows are the ones that make you think, "Hey, I could do that." For instance, I watched an imported series from the U.K. where the woman made an incredibly easy lamb curry with only twelve ingredients. It looked easy and was basically a simmered dish so I didn't have to worry about a ton of clean-up. I even had most of the ingredients. Except the lamb and the curry. I could have bought the lamb without a second thought but as I added the spice name to my shopping list I experienced a light bulb moment. I remembered that I don't like curry. See, TFN can be tricky that way.

They can be tricky in other ways as well. For instance, they have a show called "The Naked Chef". He's not naked. Ever. Granted, I can see why this could be a problem health wise - bacon grease spatter could be murder, as would the oven door if it accidentally banged close. But if they advertise nudity and food, I, as a member of the audience expect, nay - demand - both.

Viewers also have to learn a new vocabulary. And if that is not problematic on its own, the same herbs and spices can have different names depending on where the show is filmed. Sometimes I think that they make up names and products, like "Extra Virgin Olive Oil". I'm pretty sure virginity is not relative. Either that olive saved itself for the right press or it didn't.

I'm not judging. All I'm saying is that an olive that calls itself "extra virgin" sounds like it's protesting too much.

Canada Post - not extinct yet

2008-04-20T09:55:00.002-05:00

I got something in the post last week - a letter – in an envelope that had a stamp – that was addressed to me personally – by hand. It was an honest-to-God letter; not a bill or a flyer or a “Dear Occupant” announcement. Aside from Christmas cards, I can’t remember the last time that happened. I was very excited.

I miss letters. I wrote and received a lot of them as a teenager. After changing high schools and getting transferred to another province, I left a lot of friends behind. The post office was practically my second home. With almost a dozen pen pals, my luck was pretty good that there would be something waiting for me.

E-mail is not the same. It is a great communication tool and satisfies our need for instant gratification but it is an empty feeling, like the calories you get from a donut. An email can be printed and held, but most of the time it simply gets deleted and returned to the ether. You can’t see when the ink changes because the sender came back from whatever she was doing to concentrate on you again. You can’t see the tear stains when the author trusts you with a piece of heartbreak, or the rings from the bottom of the soda can where the pop sloshed because the writer laughed so hard while writing that anecdote that she jiggled the table.

There is something deeply personal about a handwritten letter. It makes me feel good that a friend thought so much of me to sit down and manually compose something just for me. I’ve decided to start doing it again myself. Usually I type my letters because my handwriting leaves much to be desired. Mrs. Smith, my grade 5 teacher who taught me penmanship would be so disappointed. But I think I will pull out my printer-unfriendly stationery and let the recipient struggle through some words that were written with the best of intentions.

I think it’s about time I resurrected the lost art of correspondence. Anybody willing to write me back?

Widowhood

2008-04-20T08:38:00.001-05:00

I lost my husband yesterday. I’m a widow now.

Why the long faces? It’s not like I won’t get him back when the snow starts to fall. A golf course is like the Bible in reverse; it comes alive at Easter and dies at Christmas.

There are several advantages to widowhood. I get the whole bed to myself on weekend mornings, when I can sleep in as late as I want. I can stay in my pyjamas until after lunch and nobody is around to witness my laziness. There is no need to share custody of the remote controls. Plus, by the time I get moving, the hot water heater has been refilled so I’m good for a long, hot shower without the refreshing, surprise ending.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I actively dislike golf. I’ve played; if not with much skill, then with great enthusiasm. In fact, I’ve been told that I even have a talent for it. The problem is that I’ve seen how much my husband enjoys it. He plays for four hours and then complains for eight about his lousy game and the shots he missed and the bleeping water hazards and how he can’t wait to do it all again next time. Truthfully, does it sound that motivating?

I get out a couple of times a year and mostly enjoy myself, even though I only play nine holes but swing enough for eighteen. The real propblem is that there are many things I enjoy doing more: reading, writing, and some days, laundry. Plus, I’m still working on my things to do before I die list. It could take me all summer to try the rest of those ice cream flavours.

Adventures in Babysitting

2008-04-12T13:16:00.004-05:00

(Note to self for future reference: I scare the cr*p out of children. Literally. More on that later.)

I am not a starter. Do not call me first. I am a relief sitter. By the time the kidlets have worn the sitters down, I have arrived and am in play to give the sitters a much needed rest. I wear the kidlets out, feed them lunch, and put them down for a nap. When they wake up, the sitters should be recovered enough to last the afternoon and early evening till bedtime. In theory.

Friday
10:30 pm - Set alarm. I have to go over and relieve the babysitters bright and early Saturday morning.

Saturday
7:30 am - Alarm goes off.
7:40 am - Alarm goes off again after I hit the snooze button.
7:45 am - Mobile. Shower, dress, out the door.
8:00 am - Stop at Timmie's. Get a large black tea (keep that decaf stuff away from me) with three sugars and a box of donut holes for energy. I'm going to need it.
8:10 am - Arrive, and not a moment to soon because Younger Kidlet (age two-and-a-half) and Older Kidlet (age four-and-a-half) have been up for three hours already.
8:11 am - Convince kidlets that I need my tea and breakfast before I can play.
8:15 am - Apparently I'm finished breakfast. Leave half-finished tea on the table. I did get about five donut holes though.
8:20 am - We have decided to play cars.
8:45 am - We are still playing cars. Something smells in the hallway but the kidlets say they don't need to go potty.
9:00 am - Oops, one of the cars went into the kitchen. Grab some luke-warm tea and a couple of donut holes. Now we are playing car party. And the hallway really stinks.
9:05 am - I check. YK needs a change. The sitters are pleased because she hasn't gone poops in two days. She was saving it all for me. I'm told that this is the worst cleanup they've had since milk diapers.
9:15 am - Hallway smells pine-fresh as we continue to play car party.
9:20 am - The party is over. We are reading and playing stickers.
9:30 am - Mom and Dad call. Kidlets tell them that we played cars. I am in the background yelling "for an hour!" I don't spend that much time with my own car and I pay for the privilege of having it. While they chat, I roll up the rim and win! Free oatmeal bar at my next visit.
9:40 am - Time to colour. I wolf down a couple more donut holes before being recruited to colour Boots purple. (Boots is the monkey in Dora the Explorer - sheesh, don't you know anything?)
10:05 am - All quiet on the kidlet front. The sitters finally decide to take their naps.
10:12 am - Kidlets decide that they want to go outside. Must get changed. But first YK needs to use the potty.
10:14 am - Yeah - she used the potty!
10:20 am - Get outside clothes on
10:25 am - We are outside. I have two packs of bubbles and two balls. Plus the kidlets like to jump from patio stone to patio stone.
10:40 am - Winded from blowing all the bubbles. Start waving the bubble wand instead. It works great - why didn't I think of this sooner? By the way, the next time it rains the garage door, front steps and driveway are going to be awash in bubbles. Sorry about that.
10:50 am - We have decided we are done with the bubbles. We play with the balls.
10:56 am - Set off my car alarm. It's okay - it was a foam football.
11:05 am - Back inside. Time to start making lunch. The sitters aren't up yet. But first a trip to the bathroom to wash the bubble liquid off our hands. Surprisingly, we don't need soap.
11: 07 am - OK needs to go. He gets on to the toilet without a problem. I ask if he needs a hand. "Nope," says he. Jumps of the toilet. Bends over and puts both palms flat on the floor. Butt in the air. Damn, I was never that flexible. He doesn't need help going. Just wiping. It takes two attempts. What have they been feeding these children? This isn't a child's poop. This is the mother lode. Hello, Mr. President, I think I found Saddam's WMDs. We wash our hands again. Really, really well. Using soap. Twice. Where is that pine scented air freshener?
11:15 am - Grilled cheese sandwiches. This could take a while. I have a donut hole. Not a chocolate one. The first sandwich and a half goes into the fry pan. The sitters arise, somewhat refreshed. I am assured that they will have a nap in the afternoon when the kidlets do. Also, they are pleased to hear that OK went poops as he hadn't gone for two days either. No kidding. It seems that I just have this effect on children.
11:25 am - I have been making grilled cheese sandwiches wrong my entire life. You don't cut them in half - you punch the centre out using a cookie cutter.
11:50 am - I have finished my lunch of grilled cheese sandwich crusts. The kidlets play for a while before going for a nap.
12:10 pm - They aren't finished playing yet.
12:11 pm - Oh, yes, they are.
12:15 pm - Potty time! Then potty time for the kidlets.
12:20 pm - Kidlets down. I leave.
12:30 pm - Home. My bed is where? Too far. This hallway will be just fine.

I, the Ficus

2008-04-01T09:40:00.005-05:00

Despite the date, this is not a joke. Indeed, this is one of the 13 days every year when it is best to make resolutions for improving one's life. Actually it's tied for the top 4th, after New Year's, your birthday, and July 1st. It is the first day of the month, the first day of a quarter, and a Monday to boot so it is a perfect day to start fresh.

Honestly, over the years I've turned over so many new leaves I look like a tree. Possibly a California Redwood. But Ficus sounds funnier. I never give up hope though. Occasionally something sticks and I'm a better person for it. Of course, I also cheat.

How does a person cheat on a list of resolutions? It's quite simple actually. Pick something you don't do and resolve to keep not doing it. For instance, I resolve not to smoke. I don't smoke. I have never smoked. I am allergic to smoke. Therefore, it is unlikely that I will start between now and my next leaf-turning day. So, I kept that one. Easy-peasy.

I do have a list of things I'd like to do better and of things I'd like to accomplish. I was going to post them here but decided that discretion was the better part of valour. It's enough that I know that you know that there is a list. Some of them are writing goals, some are education levels I'd like to reach. Some of them are habits I'd like to get into, some are habits I'd like to lose.

So join me on this important self-improvement day. And if all your goals fall by the wayside, underline the date, say it was a joke, and try again on the first of May, or June. Ah, you are sprouting nicely.

I'm a big kid now

2008-03-31T15:59:00.002-05:00

There are a lot of email jokes about "you know you are old when". I'm not saying I'm old, per se, but I'm definitely a grown-up. Here's how I know...

1. "Sixty Minutes" is kind of interesting. Andy Rooney however is a old fogey.
2. I agree with those who say that dressing up for a night on the town includes underwear. Thong it if you must, but wear something - and something clean - in case you are hit by a bus.
3. Multi-tasking includes work, grocery shopping and picking up my drycleaning, not finishing a paper, going out to the bar and charging my cell phone.
4. The four food groups do not include pizza and beer. Chocolate and caffeine still count.
5. I have decided to make friends with that last ten pounds.
6. Exercise is work, not play.
7. There is more on my bookshelves that fiction.
8. I'm more familiar with reruns that new television programming.
9. A "day off with nothing to do" includes cleaning the bathroom, doing two loads of laundry and cooking a full course sit-down supper.
10. I know what the stock markets are doing. What? I have to keep an eye on my retirement portfolio.

But, BIG but, I will never, ever watch Lawrence Welk.

Read the instructions

2008-03-29T14:23:00.003-05:00

This was a mantra of mine as I grew up. Read the instructions. Most of the time it works. (One big exception is when it comes to computers. I follow the instructions to the letter, so the manual had better give each and every step. I don't hit "Enter" without permission, a fact that has frustrated Tech Support on more than one occasion.) But this time it was an institute of learning that messed me up.

I have been taking a course at UCLA. Have I mentioned that? Anyway, my introductory course is a requirement for the intermediate course. It says so on the website. It says the intro course is a prerequisite. Not suggested, not encouraged, a prerequisite. So I have been waiting patiently to see if I've passed my course before registering for the next one. But the marks have been a little slow in coming so I checked out the intermediate courses to prepare to get right to work.

They are full. Both classes. So I can't sign up. I was ready to work too. So now I have the spring off. (Fortunately for you, this leaves me with more time to work on my blog.) I'll sign up as soon as the summer session is announced. And I'll sign up for the advanced course after that too, even without my marks, instructions be damned.

I'm such a rebel.

Wasabi-less in Winnipeg

2008-03-29T14:12:00.004-05:00

I fulfilled another long-standing item on my list yesterday. I had sushi. Real sushi. From an authentic Japanese restaurant.

There are two Japanese restaurants within walking distance from my office and since I have worked in the same location for eight years I figured it was time to try one. So my friend and I asked the sushi queen in our office for suggestions for the uninitiated and off we went. I had a smoked salmon roll and a tempura shrimp roll. She had a tempura yam roll and a vegetable roll. And we traded so I in fact tried four different kinds.

It was alright. I was advised to try one piece with a little pickled ginger and wasabi. Wasabi is like horseradish sauce on acid. However, it looks deceptively like guacamole. Do NOT mix the two up. I put a very little dab on one of the pieces. Ten minutes later after my tongue recovered, I decided that I liked my sushi plain, thank-you-very-much.

My friend got the better end of the deal. I liked the vegetarian ones better than the (cooked) fish ones. Neither of us tried the chicken one. Surprisingly, the spicy squid roll also went unordered.

Looking back after the fact, I have no idea how sushi made it onto my "things to do before I die" list. It sounded rather exciting and exotic. Would I have it again? Sure, but I won't go looking for it.

Also on my list - getting through all the flavours at my local specialty ice cream parlour. I think that one will be more fun.

The Question

2008-03-02T17:09:00.002-06:00

Do you think that the person who first coined the query "Is that a rhetorical question?" asked it in seriousness?

Truth In Advertising

2008-02-24T10:07:00.003-06:00

I'm too young to be this jaded.

There are a bunch of new commercials on television that are driving me to contemplate the appropriate punishment for their respective advertising agencies.

"Diamond Shreddies." I have to admit it's clever. They turned the cereal squares on a 45 degree angle and have invented a whole new cereal. I can picture hundred of kitchen tables where the children are screaming for the new cereal and are refusing to eat the "old" Shreddies. I can also picture hundreds of moms hiding in the pantry, emptying existing cereal boxes into Tupperware and claiming that the new "Diamond Shreddies" box got damaged in the shopping cart.

Sports Drinks. The market is flooded with new sports drinks, ones with vitamins and electrolytes and God knows what else. Now the big thing is the "low carb" hydrator, the one that has the least calories. Am I mistaken or did this used to be called "water"?

Pill of your choice. Have you noticed that most of the ads these days don't tell you what the pill is for but instead advise consumers to ask their doctors if the pill is right for them? Here are some excerpts from calls to doctors' offices:
Doctor #1: No, Mrs. Jones. You can't take that one... Yes, I'm sure you don't have an enlarged prostate.
Doctor #2: Yes, Mr. Reimer, it does help with cramping but your cramps are in your legs not in your uterus.
Doctor #3: Yes, Pat, I'm sure you do not have high cholesterol... No, I'm not going to retest you with that new machine you can use on your arm... It's for diabetes, that's why.

The poor doctors. And have you listened to the lists of potential side effects? How bad do you have to feel to take some of this stuff?

Then there are the make-up advertisements that have special additives with impressive sounding names that you know were made up for the express purpose of sounding good in commercials. Those ones just plain old tick me off. Stick to telling me that I'm only good looking if I use your product - you'll get further.

It makes me miss the old Dudley Moore movie "Crazy People". He was an ad exec who went nuts and really started using truth in advertising. "Volvos - they're boxy but they're good."

Victory Dance

2008-02-24T08:44:00.003-06:00

Football season is over for another year and for me not a moment too soon. Granted, I don't like football - I don't like most sports - but there is one thing in particular that really frosts my cookies. The Touchdown Dance.

The given player (usually but not always the receiver - see, I'm not a total heathen) crosses into the end zone while either carrying or catching the pigskin (now I'm just showing off) and then proceeds to ... act like a thirteen-year-old boy in front of his friends when he recounts how he copped his first feel. You get the pelvic strut and the flailing arms and the running around yelling "look at me!" and the congratulations from his buddies...

Hey, fella, getting touchdowns is your JOB! It does not inspire a lot of confidence in your abilities if you feel the need to draw attention to yourself because you have actually managed to do what they are paying you for. Also, quit acting so shocked - you are supposed to be a professional.

Football is the worst but variations of the dance do exist in other sports. Usually it is the younger generation that feels the need to bust a move: the shotgun in hockey, the chest-bump in basketball. There's nothing really similar in baseball but in that case the player's teammates aren't on the field at the same time anyway.

By all means, people, celebrate the point. But doing the bobsled in the end zone really makes me question your understanding of the game.

Review (Movie): Jumper (2008)

2008-02-18T09:27:00.004-06:00

6 out of 10

Starring Hayden Christiansen, Samuel L Jackson

David Rice (Christiansen) is a young man who has the ability to teleport himself to any place that he has ever been or seen. Roland (Jackson) is a Paladin, a member of a religious cult who believes that only God should have the ability to be all places, and thus has the duty of hunting down and killing all Jumpers.

David jumps for the first time as a teen to save his life. Once he realizes he has this ability, he jumps into a bank vault and steals bucketloads of money to support himself. His first theft put him on Roland's radar, who then spent the next eight years hunting him down. Once Roland has a fix on him, he kills David's father in an attempt to - I'm still not quite sure - cut David off from support, even though he hasn't seen his father in 8 years.

Jackson's character is the weakest link in the whole movie. His hatred for jumpers is never fully explained, his actions are at best stupidly violent and counter-productive to his stated goals, and my God, what did they do to his hair?

As with most sci-fi movies, there are plot holes. Jumping seem to be a genetic trait, which is fine. Paladins deserved some backstory. Giving a secret global organization some motivation would be a good thing. And while they're at it, give them some common sense (sure, we can execute a bunch of people and never worry about getting caught - after all, we have fake IDs for the CIA and the NSA; it's not like anyone will ever check to see if they are real.) There was also a completely useless sub-plot involving David's mother that really needed to be fleshed out or dropped completely. Fleshing it out could have combined both the Paladin and mother sub-plot and enhanced the entire story, as well as added a couple of minutes to a film that was only 88 minutes long.

Most of the story was neat. The effects were quite fun. I could probably watch it again but it's not a keeper.

As an interesting note, this film seems to have some similarities to "The Traveler" by John Twelve Hawks, which I will be picking up the next time I'm at the bookstore.

Review (Book): "The Six Sacred Stones" by Matthew Reilly

2008-02-17T10:33:00.006-06:00

c 2008

Rating: Recommended

This book took forever to come out. And like the previous two Matthew Reilly books, I bought it in hardcover.

It was so worth it.

"The Six Sacred Stones" is the second book in what will be the Jack West Jr. trilogy. The first book "The Seven Ancient Wonders" ("The Seven Deadly Wonders" in the U.S.) was not up to the standard I have come to expect from Reilly. His Scarecrow books are much faster paced and concentrate on the action to the exclusion of almost everything else. The Jack West Jr. books have an involved background, historical components and more developed characters. While still well-written, all these details slow down the story.

Fortunately, fans already know many of the characters of "The Six Sacred Stones" from the previous book, so we can skip that part. Also, unlike 7-Wonders, the history of the six sacred stones is much less detailed, so that part goes faster too. All of this basically thrusts the reader head-first into the action, which is why you read Reilly in the first place.

The story moves fast and spans the globe. The plot is not really believable, but if you are willing to suspend your disbelief (and suspend it far, far away) the action more than makes up for it. Reilly seems to be combining action and sci-fi, and while he has done both well separately, it's a little too much here. The returning characters haven't grown much but fans really don't expect them to. The new characters are fun but pretty two-dimensional - also expected. What matters is they get the job done.

This was much more fun to read than the trilogy's first book. In fact, I almost didn't buy it because I was so upset with the first one. I'm glad I took the chance. My biggest complaint is that it is so obviously the middle book of the trilogy. A good comparison would be "The Two Towers". The book stops but the story is not close to being completed. Now I have to buy the third one. And knowing me, it will again be in hardcover.

Quarter-finalist

2008-02-17T10:27:00.004-06:00

I entered a screenwriting contest before I started on this course. It was for television scripts, not films. They recently annnounced the winners and I'm there. I'm way down the list, but I'm there. If I knew then what I know now, I may have moved up to a semi-finalist. Still, I'm quite pleased with myself. I will get a script produced if it kills me, and I'm starting to believe that I will not only survive the procedure but thrive on it and do it as often as possible. Onward and upward.

Blog Neglect

2008-02-17T10:22:00.005-06:00

I had no idea that my course would be this much work. I have been out of school much too long. Anyway, to make it up to you, I am going to share a very private secret. When I am in need of a pick-me-up, I visit my very good friend Skippy (http://skippyslist.com/). I have no idea who he is. I prefer to think that he is the grown-up version of the geeky neighbour on the 80s sitcom "Family Ties" who had a crush on Mallory. If you don't think his blog and list are funny, look at items 33 and 34 on the list and tell me that you can't picture me doing the same thing. That's why I like him.

Emoticon Addiction

2008-01-26T10:34:00.001-06:00

You know what emoticons are, right? ;) They are the faces you make with letters and punctuation marks. Some people don't like them. :b Unfortunately, they are very easy and once you start to use them it's difficult to stop. Some computer programs automatically convert the symbols into a face with a circle around them which can be disconcerting if you aren't expecting it. :o They are helpful for indicating sarcasm but can quickly take over. It's harder to think of the perfect word that it is to use a short-cut. So as of now, I'm cutting back on my emoticon use in order to save my vocabulary. :(

What makes you brave?

2008-01-26T10:09:00.001-06:00

Booze? Back-up? Babes or boys to impress?

How about anonymity?

It's a lot easier to offer an opinion or remark if you don't have to be responsible for it. Anonymous letters are notorious for being vitriol-filled rants full of insults and accusations a person would never dare make to the accused's face. Often they are stinging criticisms laced with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight. They are easy to write and impossible to fight.

I recently joined a couple of on-line chat boards. One is for my class at UCLA (did I tell you about that?) We, the students, are required to both post our own work and thoughts as well as comment on the posts that others put up. Our names are on all of them. It's a very good way to keep a balance between expressing our opinions and not crossing that line into criticism without merit. Of course, since we have never met face-to-face, the responses are often filled with "in my opinions" and "I respectfully disagrees" as to not offend the faceless person you are talking to or about. If the discussion were with somebody I actually knew, it would be much shorter and start with "Are you nuts?"

The other board is for chatting about television. Everyone has a user name so the safety level for anonymity is a slightly increased. Each board has a moderator who checks in to make sure the comments don't get out of control. I was surprised to find that they are seldom needed. The fans and posters I've encountered seem pretty respectful to each other and the shows and actors they discuss. Some of the comments about the actors would cause some severe embarrassment if they ever had to be explained to the subject in person but that is something the posters should have kept in mind when the wrote them.

Actually, I'm taking that as my philosophy. I try very hard not to say anything one the internet that would humiliate me if I had to repeat in person. It works for gossip in real life too.

My Heroes

2008-01-06T18:51:00.000-06:00

In case you haven’t heard, I’ve signed up for a UCLA film course. (You’ll be reading that often for a while.) According to course description “the course goal is to complete a step outline or beat sheet that prepares you to turn your story idea into a screenplay.” I have my idea already. The protagonist is a woman.

It occurs to me that most of my protagonists are. I like writing strong female characters. I must have been deeply influenced as a child by the books I read. I recently got into a “Gender in Television” debate and decided that between the good role models in my books and the bad ones I was exposed to on TV I didn’t have a chance.

Book Role Models:
Nancy Drew (besides the fact she was conked on the head in every book)
Trixie Belden
Cherry Ames (this one I blame on my mother)
See, these are all pretty good.

TV Role Models:
Wonder Woman
Bionic Woman
Charlie’s Angels
Daisy Duke
Chrissy Snow (Three’s Company)
I believe that they were referred to as the “jiggle” factor.

The 80s provided some relief in the movie theatres with Sarah Connor (The Terminator) and Ellen Ripley (Aliens). Women who played beyond-the-girlfriend roles in non-drama television shows broke out in the 90s: Xena, Buffy, Captain Janeway. Aside from anything to do with Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay (very bitter), the new millennium seems pretty good.

I’d like to continue the trend. So for my heroines who have yet to see the light of day, your time is coming.

UCLA

2008-01-06T18:27:00.000-06:00

I've wanted to go back to school for a while now; I've always been big on continuing education. I looked at refresher courses in Spanish, at going back and getting my Masters in French, and at a translation certificate. All of these are good ideas that would improve my resume and expand my employment opportunities. It would be smart of me to take courses like that.

I'm still smart but I didn't choose one of those. I found something better. In a week and a half, I will be a UCLA film student. How cool is that!

Technically I will be an online student in UCLA Extension - Writers' Program - Certificate in Feature Film Writing - Introduction to Screenwriting I. Somehow the proper title lacks the same charm and mystery as UCLA film student but it is a film course at UCLA by definition and that's the story I'm sticking with.

I anticipate that my regular writing schedule will slow down to compensate for the writing assignments I have as homework (that's a word I haven't used in a while) but I hope the class will motivate me as well.

Please excuse me. I have to go sharpen my pencils and get my notebook ready.

Review (Book): "Jane and the Barque of Frailty" by Stephanie Barron

2008-01-01T13:00:00.000-06:00

c 2006

Rating: Readable

This is Barron's ninth (and last by the look of it) entry into the Jane Austen mystery series. I found these books when I was rereading Austen's books and found them to be an excellent addition for any fan. Although supposedly based on her private journals and letters, those not familiar with Austen's works can enjoy them for simply being good historical mysteries. I especially enjoy the footnotes. While the explanations of various people, places and expressions of the time can draw the reader out of the story, they do add details that gives the books an authentic feel.

In "Barque of Frailty", Jane is in London awaiting the publication of her first novel. When her neighbour is killed, she must solve the crime to remove herself from the suspect list. Brother Henry and sister Eliza are the only characters who make a return, although Lord Harold is mentioned.

Jane takes a much more active role in the solving of the crime than she has in previous volumes. She has also become much more forward and has lost much of her proper reserve now that she is thirty-five. Truthfully, I don't think I like this shift in character. It just isn't the Jane we have come to know and love, through her Barron adventures and her own books. On the other hand, readers are exposed to London society for the first time and the change is refreshing.

As this is probably the last Jane book, I'm glad I read it but it is not the best one in the series.

Review (Book): "Fiasco" by Thomas E. Ricks

2007-12-23T12:21:00.000-06:00

c 2006

Rating: Readable

You know that it is going to be a serious read when you have to pull out the dictionary twice on the first page. For the record: "profligate" means recklessly extravagant, and a "conflagration" is a great and destructive fire. Yes, these are the initial descriptions about "the American military adventure in Iraq."

This is the first book I've read that is an overview and analysis about the war in Iraq. I am not a scholar with expertise on American politics or military policy, but damn! I know that I'm only getting one man's opinion but it seems like "Fiasco" is a truly fitting description for the entire exercise.

According to Ricks, the political decisions that started the war and their continuing influence create as much damage as the enemy, leaving the U.S. military and allies fighting a two-front war. The politicians have decided not only to go to war but to run the war like a campaign on Capitol Hill. They listen to their advisors and lobbyists, leaving the generals and military advisors on the sidelines. This may be old-fashioned thinking on my part but generally I'd assume that the experts have something useful to contribute.

Ricks begins at the beginning (Iraq 1991) and walks readers through all the political decisions and missteps that got the American military to where it is today. He seems to be quite respectful and sympathetic to the men and women in uniform who hold the dubious positions of being both on the front lines and at the bottom of the food chain.

He covers a wide range of subjects relating to the war but, despite my above comments, shies away from the really controversial issues. Gitmo is barely a chapter and the role of military contractors is barely touched, despite the nature of both these topics. Interestingly enough, he does relate some information on the role of the media as a political tool.

"Fiasco" provides a lot of data; however, as I've said, I have not read anything else to compare it to. If you are not a fan of the Bush administration, you will probably really enjoy it. If you are a supporter, this book will likely start a lively debate at your next cocktail party.

My Favourite Things

2007-12-23T11:48:00.001-06:00

I did some math the other day. It turns out that between books and the Internet, I read about five books a week. Each book averages about 400 pages, which makes 2000 pages per week. At 250 words per page, that amounts to 500,000 words per week, or 26 MILLION words per year. That's a lot of books.

My library is out of control but that doesn't mean that I immediately buy every book I read. Well, mostly I do but that's not the point. I don't keep a book I'm not going to read more than once. I can always tell which books those are going to be. I constantly go through my shelves and pull out a book that I've read a dozen times because I'm in the mood for a particular story or writing style or character. My dad does not understand how I can read the same book over and over again since nothing ever changes. I love him dearly but it is impossible to explain the feeling to someone who isn't a reader at heart.

For those of you who are, here are some of the most memorable that I've come across.

Most Fun: "The Big Over Easy" by Jasper Fforde
Runner up: "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" by Douglas Adams

Most Evil: "The Picture of Dorian Gray" by Oscar Wilde

Most Eloquent: "Shoeless Joe" by J.P. Kinsella
Runner up: "The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency" by Alexander McCall Smith

Most Heartbreaking: "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom

Most Horrible: "Black and Blue" by Anna Quindlen (this is the only book I've ever thrown in the trash because I didn't want it in my house)

Most Action: "Ice Station" by Matthew Reilly
Runner up: "Valhalla Rising" by Clive Cussler

Most Two-Dimensional Characters: "North and South" by John Jakes

Most Unbelievable Plot: "The DaVinci Code" by Dan Brown

Most Beloved Childhood Classic: "Anne of Green Gables" by L.M. Montgomery
Runner up: "Little House on the Prairie" by Laura Ingalls Wilder

Most Anticipated: mine...

Book Learning

2007-12-16T09:58:00.000-06:00

Traditionally, fiction novels have been read for entertainment and non-fiction tomes for education. Traditionally, fiction is lies and non-fiction is - by definition - not.

I've never been much for tradition. Even if the novelists got the details wrong, I can safely say that I have learned as much from the bestsellers lists than I have from textbooks. In fact, most of the life lessons that I've picked up without direct experience have come from my favourite paperbacks.

For instance:

The brain is a muscle that can move the world. Stephen King, Firestarter.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Rest is a weapon. Robert Ludlum, The Bourne Supremacy

The world is always five minutes away from total annihilation. Jasper Fforde, First Among Sequels

Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it. L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

and last but not least...

A towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

There - now aren't you glad you know?

Right in the Butt

2007-12-16T09:40:00.000-06:00

I knew when I was writing it that it was a bad idea. I was just asking for the Karma fairy to come and bite me. "Suck it up, you winter babies," I said. And then I was struck down with a head cold.

Technically, I'm only half sick. Only the right hand side of my head is stuffy. I think I'm winning though, since I've purchased stock in vitamin C company. Even if I'm not, I'm still not going to apologize. I love Winnipeg.

What you need to understand about Winnipeg

2007-12-02T13:40:00.001-06:00

Winter arrived this week with a vengeance. For the most part, November was grey and dreary but not snowy or extremely cold. Then came last Sunday. Once the temperature drops under -20C, winter becomes official no matter the date. Once it dips below -30C, with or without the wind chill, numbers are no longer needed; you can simply respond to "what's the temperature outside?" with "damncold".

In Winnipeg, it's damncold a lot. And we comment about it at every opportunity.

Here's the thing. We don't really mean it.

Yes, we beef and moan about shovelling the driveway and scraping car windows. It's next to impossible to see past snowbanks on the corners while driving, not to mention the perils of black ice and white-outs on the Perimeter. There is no point in dressing up since your good clothes only form the base layer of your Michelin Man costume and everyone suffers hat-head during toque season. We are Winnipeggers and it is our right to complain about all of these things.

Because if we sincerely hated it that much, we'd move.

Ask anyone. People leave all the time. If Winnipeg is so terrible, why do we stay? "But my family is here" some will whine. Other excuses run from "I can't afford to live in Alberta" to "I can't move to Quebec - I don't speak French." Those who stay know what they are getting into. They've decided that the weather is outweighed by the benefits.

The truth of the matter is that the weather is not always in the plus-column but we have accepted it as part of our River City heritage. Winter in Winnipeg is a fact, like mosquitoes in summer and never-ending roadwork. To balance those hardships we get solid weeks of clear, blue, hot summer days and more than a month of glorious foliage after that. We have Goldeyes in the summer, Bombers in the fall and Moose in the winter. Since we've chosen not to go out into the world, we bring the world to us with Folklorama.

Winnipeg is not the prettiest of cities. It is not the largest or the most cosmopolitan or cultured. I know; I've seen places that can beat us on those scores. But it is MY Winnipeg and I choose to live here above any other place because it is home.

So suck it up, you winter babies. If you can't handle the cold, move to Victoria. To those of you who stay, I'll smile when I see you on the street - even if my grin is covered by my scarf.

In the "Too much money, too few brains" category...

2007-12-02T13:31:00.001-06:00

Reality TV has hit a new low. I thought they hit bedrock with "A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila", a dating show where a bi-sexual woman chooses a lover between an equal number of men and women living with her in a mansion. Apparently, they pulled out the dynamite and the shovels because I just saw a reference for a contestant (cast member? guest star?) for the upcoming "Celebrity Detox with Dr. Drew."

For the record, no, I don't watch this garbage. And don't tell me to give them a try. I read about them in the paper and despair for the dumbing down of television viewers everywhere. My personal theory is that the only reason some reality shows have lasted as long as they have is because they are the least offensive ones on the air.

Turn off reality television - save your brain cells - save the world.

One of those days

2007-11-26T17:42:00.000-06:00

Have you ever had one of those days when everything goes right? I had one yesterday. I'm still glowing. I slept in, had a nice breakfast, did some writing. I had lunch with my parents and we chatted a while. I went to the mall to do some shopping and got six people crossed off my Christmas list. I also saved $35 by comparison shopping and watching the sales (what can I say - I'm a coupon clipper at heart). Supper was an assembly deal - I unpackaged and reheated the meat, used a store-bought salad bag and pulled some garlic bread from the freezer. And I spent an enjoyable hour watching television. It was great.

I love having one of those days.

How to Save Reality Television

2007-11-24T14:10:00.001-06:00

Coming on the heels of my last review, not to mention the writers' strike, I felt that this would be a good time to let the networks know how they could improve their viewership in regards to reality programming on their networks.

1. Survivor - this started out as great concept but it has been driven into the ground. The gimmicks aren't working anymore (creating tribes by sex or ethnicity) and alliances are old news. So here is what you have to do for next season. At the first reward challenge, have all the contestants draw lots for teams and camps. The winning team gets the reward. At the immunity challenge, have all the contestants draw for teams and camps. The winning team gets immunity. Repeat each week until the number of contestants drops enough to make one tribe.

2. The Amazing Race - lose the massive food eating roadblocks and detours. Leave them for Survivor. Also, at some point, try sending teams to different countries at one step. For example, Teams 1 through 3 go from England to Germany then Austria and end up in Switzerland. Teams 4 through 6 go from England to Austria then Germany and end up in Switzerland. Now that will add some excitement and unpredictability.

3. Big Brother: This is an Orwellian concept and to remain true to the idea, I think that the house looks way too big and comfortable. Try one bedroom with bunk beds, kitchen, dining room, one small bathroom, and a small exercise yard that is half-size unless they are competing. Decorated in stripes. Julie Chen can be the warden. There's nothing like jail to ratchet up the tension and animosity in a hurry. And what's with all the naked events? You're just going to pixellate it later anyway.

4. Attention Bachelors, Bachelorettes, Beauties, and Geeks. You will not find your life-mate on television. Note to self - dating twenty potential mates at once only improves the odds of you calling someone by the wrong name. Your chances for love drop even further if you have to choose from a pool picked by producers. (Reality TV producers - the people who brought you Pirate Master, Tila Tequila and Canada's Worst Drivers. Remember, these were considered the cream of the crop for applicants.) You're better off going on that blind date set up by your mother.

5. Do not give "D-Actors" their own shows as a comeback vehicle. It's too sad. Really.

6. Do not give shows to socialites and spoiled rich kids whose only claims to fame are that their parents are either wealthy and/or famous. Aside from laughing at them, we don't care. They may do stupid things week after week but it gets old very quickly. This is why we like to see these people at somebody else's party, not day in and day out. They have absolutely no relevance to our lives in the real world.

7. You have "Dancing with the Stars" and tried "Skating with the Stars," so why not bring back "Circus of the Stars"? I could give you a list of people I'd pay to see shot out of a cannon. Net optional.

8. Swearing is not dialogue. Dropping three F-sharps in every sentence are signs of ignorance and a lamentable vocabulary. You are not cool; it makes me think you are stupid and cannot come up with an original comeback on your own.

9. Famous and infamous are two completely different things. Keep this in mind while casting.

Any other suggestions?

Review (TV): The Amazing Race

2007-11-18T12:00:00.001-06:00

6 out of 10

It's taken years of exposure but I have finally fallen prey to the reality show bug. I got hit with the "Amazing Race" strain. Yeah, this is its twelfth season but I only started watching halfway through season 10.

Phil Keoghan the host is pretty reserved - unlike Jeff Probst of Survivor, the only thing worth watching on that show - but he does have some funky hair going on, so that counts in his favour.

This year TAR started in Ireland with the teams trying to move two baskets of peat that are strapped to the back of donkeys. Apparently nobody told the donkeys that they would be on television and co-operation with their co-stars would help them get agents. I haven't laughed so hard in weeks.

Picture it: beautiful green Ireland, smelling of the sea and fresh cut peat. And eleven hyper pairs of Americans running around like crazy people. Some of the Yankee/donkey groups worked well together. Others, not so much. The best, the very best, scenes are with the two Irish men in the background watching a couple of Americans trying to PUSH A DONKEY down the path. You can't write something that good!

I laughed, I laughed some more. The next week the contestants were in Amsterdam and Grandpa stripped down to his briefs to pole-vault across a muddy ditch. Note to producers - spandex or other tight clothing is a privilege, not a right.

From comedy to horror in two weeks - what will they do next?

37 and counting

2007-11-18T11:23:00.000-06:00

My mother would be so ashamed of me if she knew. There are 37 shopping days left until Christmas and I haven't bought a single thing yet. Not even a stocking stuffer. Forget ashamed - she may flat-out disown me. This is the woman who generally starts picking things up in August.

It's not like I'm clueless. I have a short list of things to buy. My dad and mom are pretty much done, and I have a legitimate reason to hit "Toys R Us". Everybody else may be a problem though. This is why I'm a list person. It makes everyone's life so much easier.

The lack of a list is not the only reason for my tardiness. There is also the whole "mall" thing. The thing being that I hate them. Shopping for anything other than books is the worst. Groceries are a necessity so they don't count but the "girls love shopping" gene is definitely regressive when it comes to me. It ranks right up there with trips to the dentist.

Coincidentally, my dentist is IN the mall. I think God smiled at that one.

So, next weekend I am braving the mobs and heading out. I'll come home with at least four people bought for or I won't come home at all. I'll probably go on Saturday so I can recuperate from my traumatic ordeal all day Sunday. Well, recuperate and wrap.

Tom Clancy

2007-11-18T10:44:00.002-06:00

I recently rediscovered my old friend Tom Clancy. I originally met him when I was in in high school and he's very good. Like all good techno-thriller authors though, his stuff does get dated. (Case in point, try reading Robert Ludlum twenty-five years later. It's amazing how cell phones have changed the spy game.) Still, I found a couple of Tom's books in my storage closet and hit the used book stores to fill in the blanks I had in the "Jack Ryan" books.

I discovered that the last Ryan-verse volume I had was "Teeth of the Tiger" and I knew it to be several years old. It seemed to me that I hadn't seen a Clancy book on the best seller's list for some time so I googled his homepage. Unfortunately, I was right. He hasn't done anything for a while. Anything good, anyway. He has the "Op-Centre" series and the "NetForce" books but they aren't his stories per se, they just have his name on the cover. It also appears that he is doing very well in the video game industry. But that doesn't help me because I just want him for his books.

This is a huge problem with writers. A good book takes about a year to complete and a week to read, maybe less if you read like me. This means that even if you discover a writer late in his or her career it doesn't take you long to get up to date. Then you are stuck waiting for the next installment like some kind of paperback junkie who will buy the hardcover if the wait is long enough. (This is why I have three paperback "Harry Potter" books and the last four in hardcover - Rowling took for-bloody-ever!)

The other big problem is that once the story is told, it's done. Tom Clancy brought Jack Ryan through his entire career and presidency. Hell, he even took some side trips with other characters for entire novels, most particularly John Clark. His last book was the next-generation in the Ryan-verse using Jack Ryan's son. I would happily read the continuing saga but it appears that poor Tom is done. The story is ended.

I can't fault him for stopping. I enjoy his books and don't want them to end up like a television show that has jumped the shark. It's better to go out with a bang that with a whimper. I also can't order him to come up with a new series and set of characters. He didn't write a stand-alone novel. He created an entire world with a cast big enough to fill a phone book.

Even though I can't make him write more books, it doesn't mean I don't want him to. I'll just have to wait and see if he has something new up his sleeve or find a replacement fix, er, read. Have I mentioned my Aussie-boy Matthew Reilly has a new book coming out in January? Or that Stephanie Barron has a new Jane paperback in stores now? I don't have a problem. No problem at all, except maybe lack of shelf space.

Go west, young man, go west

2007-11-04T09:56:00.000-06:00

But only in the morning. The end of Daylight Savings Time means that for the next month I am repeating my least favourite time of the year. It is the time when I drive east to work in the morning and the sun is at the perfect height to shine directly into my eyes. It is above the horizon but below the visor in my car. For the next three weeks, I won't be able to see any traffic lights so I place my trust in my fellow drivers and stop when they do.

On the plus side, it's less than two months till the days start getting longer again. On the down side, then I have two-three week periods of going through this again.

Hey, I just realized that Saskatchewan doesn't do DST, so I'd only have three weeks in the spring and three weeks in the fall of this awkwardness. That, plus the RCMP museum, make two reasons to live in the The Gap!

Review (TV): Fall '07 Season Update

2007-10-27T16:05:00.000-05:00

Full Season Pick-ups: Back to You, The Big Bang Theory, Gossip Girl, Pushing Daisies and Private Practice (all new shows) have had full-season orders so they should last until the end of the year (about May 2008).

Partial Pick-ups: Samantha Who got an order for 6 more scripts, so it may be around for a while. Surprisingly, Moonlight received an order for 4 more scripts despite its ratings. Carpoolers, Reaper and Dirty Sexy Money all have had additional scripts ordered.

Dead and Dying: Viva Laughlin lasted two episodes before the network pulled the plug. New Amsterdam (I'd heard about it once) is also DOA.

Getting my geek on

2007-10-27T15:49:00.001-05:00

I got my geek on this morning and fulfilled a long-held wish. I went to a science fiction convention. I can't say I let my inner geek completely out of the box since I didn't go in costume but I did see a passable Star Fleet uniform and a really good Edward Scissorhands.

It was cool but it wasn't all I'd hoped for, as dreams often turn out to be. I was slightly disillusioned - although not completely surprised - when the featured guest stars charged per autograph. I didn't realize it would be a minimum of $20 a pop. Also, the convention I went to was a joint sci fi/comic book one, so there were a ton of comic books, anime and manga publications and graphic novels that I neither read nor have any interest in.

I'm more of a Space Channel junkie. Perhaps at a strictly sci-fi convention I'd have better luck. I like my sci-fi in one-hour segments with an occasional movie or mini-series thrown it. The big shows in the last few years - Buffy, Battlestar Galactica, Charmed - and the endless Star Wars and Star Trek sagas produce an awful lot of junk. I mean merchandise. But many good shows that are not on a major network were not represented at all. Lesson learned for this up-and-coming writer and possibly producer.

I'm glad I went. Even though I didn't spend all weekend neck-deep in things not of this world, I really enjoyed the experience. It was personally worth it. Scratch that off the to-do list.

They asked for it

2007-10-21T08:50:00.000-05:00

You know an advertisement works when you can remember both the jingle or gimmick and the product. "When you eat your Smarties do you eat the red ones last?" A trio of frogs singing "Bud", "Wise" and "Er". The Geiko Gecko.

It seems, however, that the advertising people do not always talk to the packaging people.

A good example of this would be the Caramilk chocolate bar. When you see a Caramilk, what is the first question you ask yourself? Oh, yes, as we were taught, "How DO they get the creamy caramel inside the Caramilk bar?" It is one of life's great mysteries. But did you know that it's possible to find out the answer to this thought-provoking question? You can. For on the wrapping of the Caramilk bar, in tiny gold letters is printed the following:

QUESTIONS? Call 1-866-782-3267 MON. to FRI. 9 A.M. to 6. P.M. EST

They even print it in French.

Is it me, or are they just asking for trouble?

Rock Paper Scissors

2007-10-14T08:40:00.000-05:00

Every once in a while, I find something so disturbing, so shocking on television that I burst out laughing in defiance of the sheer terror I'm feeling at witnessing such an event. One such episode occurred last week. No, I was not watching adult pay-per-view. It was a sports station carrying ESPN feed from the States.

I was channel-surfing when I hit the sports channel and saw a whole bunch of people hooting and hollering. I thought they were about to announce the winner of a poker game (which is not a sport and should be shown on another station but that is an argument for another time) but instead, it was the first of two semi-finals with the winner going on to the finals. For what, you ask?

The USA Rock-Paper-Scissors Championship.

Stop laughing, it gets worse!

The announcers were treating it like some big boxing event! As the second set of semi-finalists approached the stage, the announcers introduced him - and his TRAINER who was beside him. I was too horrified to change the channel. Having a Rock Paper Scissors championship is bad enough, but if you don't take it seriously at least you and your friends can have some fun with it. But how on earth can you stand up in public and call yourself a Rock Paper Scissors trainer without being laughed out of every bar and/or other building in the country? Your parents must be so disappointed - five years of college to become a trainer for a game in which there are and will ever only be three options.

Wait, there's more!

The second semi-final challenge ended and the finalist met on the stage. And did their stuff. And it was a tie. One-two-three tie again. And again. And then...
Announcer #1: "Oh my God, another tie!"
Announcer #2: "Four in a row! This is unprecedented!"
Finally, on the fifth round, one fellow won with paper. And then...
Announcer # 1: "Oh, fella#2 is getting tired."
Announcer # 2: "Definitely. Using a rock now is a clear indication of his fatigue since everybody knows that throwing a rock is the least technically challenging move in his arsenal."
At which point I changed the channel because I was laughing so hard I fell off the sofa and landed on the remote control.

But wait, I'm not done!

I put it back because I had to see how it ended. It was a pretty snazzy set up with lights and a stage and announcers and everything. I had to know what the prize was. And I was told.
Announcer # 1: We started with 298 entrant and we are down to one.
Announcer # 2: He has won the $50,000 prize and the USA Rock Paper Scissors Championship.

You heard me. $50,000.00. I was back to being horrified. I was going to write to any sponsor I could remember and say "since you were idiotic enough to advertise during this event, I refuse to buy your product in case your stupidity is contageous." But then I realized that they simply spliced in Canadian advertisers. I'm telling you though, A+W had better watch out.

To those of you who may have been involved in Rock Paper Scissors tournaments in the past, yes, I'm mocking you. I mock you - I mock you - I mock you! My laughter will beat out whatever you throw every time.

The Chicken and the Egg

2007-10-08T11:45:00.000-05:00

Why is it you can have bacon and eggs or steak and eggs but not chicken and eggs? You'd think that out of all the meats, it would be the most compatible.

Review (Movie): The Kingdom (2007)

2007-10-08T10:23:00.000-05:00

7 out of 10

Starring Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Jason Bateman, Chris Cooper

There is a terrorist bombing in a U.S. compound in Saudi Arabia. Against orders, a F.B.I. team flies over to investigate.

If you go see "The Kingdom" and expect to find a movie, you'll find a good one. If you go with deep political expectations, you'll be disappointed. Despite the reviews, this movie is mostly entertainment with a few preachy scenes thrown in to remind us who the good guys are. The only true political commentary is in the last minute of the movie. Those final scenes are honest and as scary as hell for just that reason.

This movie has great actors and interesting locales. The actions sequences are adrenaline-pumping. Take it as an investigative adventure and it's top rate. The cultural differences between the Saudis and Americans are well done for the most part. I think a couple scenes push the boundaries of acceptable suspension of disbelief but overall it's a unique setting for this type of film.

Review (Movie): Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny (2006)

2007-10-08T10:18:00.000-05:00

0 out of 10

Starring Jack Black

Don't. Just don't. Worse than "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" (a movie I hate to the core of my being), worse than "Hell Goes to Frogtown" (two hours of my life I'll never have back), worse than anything you can imagine. Pick the movie you hate most, watch this one, and then think that your first pick isn't actually that bad. RUN LIKE THE WIND!

Jocularity!

2007-10-08T10:11:00.000-05:00

I was sitting at my desk last week minding my own business when the word "jocularity" popped into my head. I started to laugh. It brought back fond memories of "M*A*S*H" and Father Mulcahy, who taught me the proper usage. Jocularity is a great word. It's fun to say, funnier to hear and brings a smile to the face of everyone involved in the conversation. According to the dictionary, jocular means "given to jesting" or "habitually jolly", and considering that is exactly how the word makes you feel, they couldn't have a more perfect definition.

Sugar High

2007-09-30T10:35:00.000-05:00

I recently came across something that must be added to my "never do" list. But first, here's some background.

About a month ago I went out for supper at a Greek restaurant. I haven't had Greek food in years and for dessert I was finally able to order baklava. It is a dessert made of layered thin sheets of pastry, honey and walnuts. It's very good but incredibly sweet. I had half a piece and was completely wired for the rest of the night. I could have run home behind the car with no problem at all. At the time, I made a joke that mainlining the honey would have been just as effective. It turns out I wasn't even close.

Last weekend I saw a commercial that had me quivering in fear. It was for a new flavour of Blizzard at Dairy Queen. A cotton-candy blizzard. Yeah, that's a good idea. People need to add straight sugar to their ice-cream. Man, I wouldn't get to sleep for DAYS!

Not that I'd ever try it to find out, but I can't imagine that cotton-candy and ice-cream would be a tasty combination anyway. The textures would not be good together. Part of the fun of cotton-candy is feeling the sugar crystals melt on your tongue. And when the ice-cream at DQ melts you can feel the sugar cryst...

Never mind.

Still not going to try it. I don't have a ladder tall enough for people to be able to scrape me off the ceiling.

Review (TV): Dead and Dying Shows from Fall '07 - Nashville

2007-09-30T10:33:00.000-05:00

Dun-dun-dun, another one bites the dust. Technically, after two episodes, "Nashville" is on hiatus but it's not coming back. One down...

Review (TV): Returning Shows for Fall ’07 – Til Death, Heroes, How I Met Your Mother, NCIS, The Unit, Numb3rs, Ghost Whisperer, Survivor – China, CSI

2007-09-30T10:30:00.000-05:00

Til Death: This show is returning for its second season but this was the first time I watched it. It’s terrible. I have no idea how it got renewed. Another one that should be killed.

Heroes: It’s off to a good start. We’ve seen everyone but Micah, Niki and DL. Also, there are new characters including Claire’s admirer, Goldfinger and the deadly brother-sister duo from South America. Storywise, Linderman’s dead but the organization lives on. This year, there are two groups trying to bring it down; the Heroes and a new mystery group who is simply killing off the members. It looks like another good year.

How I Met Your Mother: This show plays in my house but I don’t really watch it. The season premiere was alright but nothing special. The best part was the tag and Barney’s reaction to the slap-countdown.

NCIS: It was kind of weak, I’m sorry to say. Honestly, who really believed that they were going to kill off Tony? It was okay.

The Unit: This was very good. I know something is up but I want to see how they pull it all together when the air the second half of the premiere next week. It’s nice to see all the men in the unit being used as Hammerhead and Betty Blue were often neglected last year.

Numb3rs: I knew Colby was a double agent! Well, not for a fact but it made a lot more sense than him being a plain old spy. There was good character development as the team and civilians dealt first with Colby’s apparent betrayal and then his redemption. The interaction between Colby and his partner David – who hasn’t forgiven him – will provide good fodder for future episodes.

Ghost Whisperer: Better than I expected. I'm not a huge fan but it was as good as last year.

Survivor – China: Another show I have on but don’t watch. It looks like more of the same. Here’s what I think they should do to change things up: at every challenge, the Survivors have to draw lots to form new teams. Wouldn’t that mess up alliances and cause some chaos!

CSI: Sara survived. But the actress is leaving so wrapping up the Sara-Grissom story line over the next few weeks will take a priority. Does this mean Warrick will be getting more scenes, because the man pretty much disappeared last year?

Review (TV): New Shows for Fall ‘07: Back To You, The Big Bang Theory, Journeyman, Bionic Woman, Life, Cane, Moonlight, Chuck

2007-09-30T10:28:00.000-05:00

Back To You: The first episode was okay; the second one was quite funny. Grammer and Heaton play different characters from their last series which was vital to the show’s success. They also have very good chemistry with each other. Of the four supporting roles, I really like two of them, and the other two are more caricatures than characters. It’s definitely worth watching again.

The Big Bang Theory: Most of the good lines from the pilot appeared in the commercial but it was still funny. Never before have so many geeks been so lovable. The upcoming episodes look promising

Journeyman: I watched thirty minutes of the first episode and turned it off. Time travel is my favourite scenario in science fiction and the show couldn’t sell it. I think the writers intended to infer that the leading man had a drug problem in the past but they didn’t make it very clear. However, if he is losing time and can’t remember where he’s been or keep the date straight from hour to hour, perhaps his family and friends should take him to the doctor for drug-testing and to check for head injuries before moving directly to an intervention. No wonder why critics lambasted this show.

Bionic Woman: I vaguely remember the original show and this one has definitely been upgraded. The cheesy sound effects have been replaced with slightly less cheesy visual effects. The mysterious government agency is not well explained in the pilot but it looks like viewers will learn more in the next episode. The evil prototype bionic woman is a great twist. My one complaint so far is that, for a show whose main character is a woman, the rest of the cast is male-dominated. There are bionic women #1 and #2 and a female shrink – that’s it. This show has potential for a log of strong female roles; I hope they realize it.

Life: I had high hopes for this show, and although it didn’t completely measure up, it was still decent. Damian Lewis played Charlie Crews with more quirks than I expected. I know the character had spent twelve years in prison but the acting reminded me of his role in “Dreamcatcher”. I’m not sure about his partner yet. He does have great buddy-chemistry with Alan Arkin. I’ll give this a chance for a few more weeks.

Cane: This was, by far, the best show released so far this year! It has an incredible cast, strong stories, and good chemistry. There were several characters introduced so it may take me another week to make sure I have them all straight. I don’t think it will end up as close to the Sopranos as most people may think however the first couple episodes may be a little violent to set up the storylines for the rest of the season. This was really good stuff and will be a “can’t miss” show for me.

Chuck: It was mildly entertaining. Chuck and his buddy were funny; the rest, not so much. Maybe I just didn’t get it but I won’t tune in again on purpose.

Moonlight: This show got absolutely hammered by reviewers before it was broadcast. I decided to give it a try anyway. My mistake. I lasted 11 minutes. I have never seen a show or movie neuter a vampire so effectively before. I mean, instead of vampirism, why didn’t they give him a shy bladder and be done with it? And, they set it up a bit like a hard-boiled ‘40s detective but they didn’t commit to the idea at all. It seems like the showrunner was told to do it by someone higher up the food chain, so they put it in the script and then the actors were told not to worry about it. Stake this sucker, please.

In Memoriam

2007-09-23T09:13:00.000-05:00

After receiving unwavering support and physical comfort for most of my adult life, I recently suffered a devastating loss near and dear to my heart.

My favourite bra died.

It served me well for a very long time but after one too many washings the side support panel weakened to the point where I put my thumb through it while doing some arrangements.

I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later. After all this was a cotton bra, not some little synthetic, moisture-absorbing microfibre number. Those suckers can last for decades but they lack the same comfort factor.

Not that cotton is perfect by any means. If I got all damp and sweaty, my bra was going to stay that way for a while. But it was soft in an all-natural way that was perfect for dressing in office clothes on Mondays after sunburnt Sundays. Even though it was cotton, it was still exceptionally made. The underwire never twisted or poked through causing me to do some kind of demented chicken dance as I walked down the hall at work.

I only have one regret. After years of wear, the tag has faded to the point where I can no longer read the model number so finding a duplicate replacement will be next to impossible.

Now my old bra is relegated to the back of my underwear drawer, only to be pulled out on ultimate comfort grubbies days or when I am way, way behind on the laundry.

So long, dear friend, and thanks for helping to mould me into the woman I am today.

Review (TV): K-Ville

2007-09-23T09:04:00.000-05:00

My first time up with a new show this fall was a swing and a miss. "K-Ville", a cop drama set in post-Katrina New Orleans, has great actors, good characters and a unique setting but that won't be enough to carry the series. It has some serious story problems which must be addressed immediately if they want the show to make it through the month.

The pilot episode's plot wasn't anything special. And the twist - the "hook" - for the show is completely unrealistic. I can believe that there was a big prison break when Hurricane Katrina hit and that some of the prisoners still haven't been reapprehended. I can even believe that the New Orleans Police Department lost their files. But don't tell me that they didn't have backups anywhere or that a convicted felon isn't going to show up in some national fingerprint database. There is no way an escaped con can get into both the army and a police department without pinging on a security check. Come on, be reasonable.

"K-Ville" has to improve in a hurry. This is premiere season and I don't have time to waste. One more strike and this show is out.

Review (Book): "Ptarmageddon" by Karen Dudley

2007-09-16T11:07:00.000-05:00

c 2006

Rating: Recommended

“Ptarmaggedon” is the fourth book in the Robyn Devara series by Winnipeg mystery writer Karen Dudley. Robyn Devara, who first appeared in “Hoot to Kill”, is a research biologist specializing in conservation and birds. However, Ms. Devara seems to collect more bodies than feathers as she moves on from book to book.

In this latest entry, Robyn heads north to the Yukon for a vacation with her boyfriend only to arrive just after the body of a fellow scientist is discovered at the research base camp. The dead woman has left Robyn all her field notes even though the two have never met. With the isolation of the North taking both a physical and emotional toll on all involved, Robyn has to figure out who in her small group is killing off the party and if the murder had anything to do with the decline population of the local ptarmigan population.

As in her previous books, Karen Dudley does a great job. She’s chosen another rural environment (like the Costa Rican jungle in “Macaws of Death”) and made the landscape an integral part of the story. Her descriptions are vivid without being preachy and you can tell that she has a genuine love for the places she has been.

Her characters are full of life and she avoids the flat, two-dimensional stock standards that so often appear in mystery books. She also walks the fine line between having a lot of humour without losing the horror that comes with violent murders. Robyn Devara laughs when she can, cries when she must, and keeps on keeping on, if not for justice for then for her own survival. It makes her human and easy to relate to. She is also the only character I’ve ever read that compares herself to a hobbit – hairy toes and all.

The mystery in “Ptarmageddon” is quite well done. There are enough suspects to keep things interesting, a couple obscure murder methods, and motives that range from the personal to professional. Karen Dudley has a clean writing style that doesn’t weigh her readers down with a lot of randomly given useless information and false clues.

The saddest part of “Ptarmageddon” is that it may be the last Robyn Devara book for a while. The author has stated that her next book will have new characters and that Robyn may be retired. It was a fun read while it lasted. I can only hope that “The Red Heron”, the second Devara book is released in paperback so I can complete my series.

The most wonderful time (for TV) of the year

2007-09-16T09:59:00.000-05:00

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
There’ll be new shows premiering
And old ones reappearing
On stations one and all
It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

There will be great shows for toasting
And stinkers for roasting
And those that last for just one night.
The good ones I get
But as for the bombs,
The networks did watch them, right?

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…lalala

These next couple weeks are almost better than Christmas for me. My favourite shows from last year are returning with new episodes and there are a ton of new programs to check out.

Premiere season is when all the networks trot out their new shows and pray for hits. With more stations producing original programming and the never-ending flow of reality shows, this is a lot harder than it used to be. Premiere season is not a one shot deal anymore. Over the last couple years, the networks have been hedging their bets with a second launch season in January. Some shows even premiere over the summer when the airwaves are dominated by reruns and reality programming, but this is still the biggest and best time for new shows. And someday one of them will be mine!

Here is a list of new shows divided into four categories: hits, potentials, misses and “I’ve never heard of them”. These are my personal predictions based on television ads, actors’ past work, and water cooler buzz. If I haven’t personally seen the commercial or heard about the show from a friend, I haven’t commented on it.

The ones in italics are the ones I will personally be trying out. The rest are up to you.

HITS:

Life – A wrongfully convicted cop is released from prison and returns to his job with a huge settlement and a burning desire to solve the case that set him up. If only one show makes it, I hope it’s this one.
Blood Ties – My only criticism of this Canadian vampire and detective duo is that, as of now, the show hasn’t been renewed for a second season.
The Big Bang Theory – It’s a geek comedy that looks hilarious.
Private Practice – I don’t watch “Grey’s Anatomy” but I’d bet money this spin-off is a “can’t miss.”
Gossip Girl – The books were hugely successful plus there is always an audience for a show that makes you relive the terror of your teenage years.

POTENTIAL:

American Band – It’s American Idol with bands but it could be too close to “America’s Got Talent” to generate its own audience.
Women’s Murder Club – The series is based on the James Patterson mystery books.
Back to You – Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton- will audiences accept them as new characters?
Cane – It’s “Falcon Crest” with rum instead of wine. The question is: can what worked in the ‘80s be updated for the ‘00s? To its advantage, Jimmy Smits chooses fantastic roles.
No Opportunity Wasted– This is the Canadian version of the reality show developed by the same creators of “The Amazing Race
Bionic Woman – This remake can go either way depending on the camp factor. The ads were clever.
K-Ville – A pair of cops do their parts to renew New Orleans. I thought it looked good but I think I’m the only one.

MISSES:

Moonlight – My TV is only big enough for one vampire detective show, and “Blood Ties” was out first (and it looks better too.)
Chuck – I think it’s about an inept secret agent but can’t really tell.
Cavemen – You know that insurance commercial “so easy a caveman could do it”? He got his own show.
Aliens in America – It’s a weak comedy that reminds me of “FES” from “That 70’s Show”. I hear that Little Mosque on the Prairie does it better.
Kid Nation – Forty kids in a ghost town with no parental supervision compete for cash. How do you spell disaster?
Cashmere Mafia – This has been unfavourably compared to “Sex and the City”. Lightning rarely strikes twice.
Reaper – A young man finds out his parents sold his soul to the devil before he was born; this is his story.
Journeyman – I like time travel shows as much as the next guy but the commercials made this look way too confusing, plus the buzz isn’t good.
Samantha Who? - A woman who lost her memory returns to her life only to find she doesn’t like it much. I don’t know if they can make this fly.
‘Da Kink in my Hair – This Canadian Caribbean beauty shop comedy sounds promising but I can’t see it lasting unless it finds its niche market very quickly.

NEVER HEARD OF ‘EM

Final 24
Nashville
Torchwood
Big Shots
Carpoolers
The Tudors
Dirty Sexy Money (but it’s a great title)
Kitchen Nightmares (sounds like a reality show)
Sunset Tan
Pushing Daisies
Viva Laughlin
Heartland
Life is Wild
Triple Sensation (sounds like another reality show)
Kyle XY – (I thought this was already airing, so I’m not commenting in case it is a different show.)

Review (Movie): The Bourne Ultimatum (2007)

2007-09-10T19:49:00.001-05:00

6.5 out of 10

Starring Matt Damon, Julia Stiles, David Strathairn, Joan Allen

Everyone I spoke to said that this one was the best of the trilogy. They were wrong. They also said it was better than "The Bourne Supremacy". I'll give them that one. As in the previous two movies, Jason Bourne is out for information on his identity and revenge on his former employers.

I should start off by saying that I loved the books by Robert Ludlum. Yes, they are dated now but for their time, they were fantastic. Then the movies came out and all they took from the novels were the title, the names Jason Bourne and Marie (they changed her last name) and the fact that the title character has amnesia. By the time the second movie came out, there was even less in common with the book. I had no expectations for this movie and it took a while to generate enough excitement for me to get out and see it. I can only hope there is no fourth movie, because although there is a fourth book, Ludlum was long dead before it came out and the character of Jason Bourne should have died with him. (Harsh, I know, but save yourself the read.)

I'd like to say, "Hey, Tony Gilroy (the screenwriter), I know you can do better than this; I've seen you do it!" But there were at least two other writers who got their hands on the script and heaven only knows what they did to the original story, so I won't blame anyone in particular. But there should be blame!

In "Scream 3" a character explains the difference between the final movie in a trilogy and another sequel. Trilogies end the story. They take you back to the beginning, show you the clues you missed, and leave you feeling resolved and satisfied. Sequels, on the other hand, are just more of the same. "They Bourne Ultimatum" is a sequel. They give you a few more pieces to the puzzle of Jason Bourne's past, but not enough to see the entire picture. In fact, a few of the pieces are downright contradictory. He didn't get to where he was supposed to go, so what was the point of the journey?

A couple other things bothered me. The cinematography for one. They used the "shaky cam" thing. A lot. I don't know the technical term but it loses its effect after a while and just gives me motion sickness. I can't concentrate on what's appearing on the screen, which pulls me out of movie - never a good thing. Also, there is an entirely unnecessary scene with Marie's brother. I don't think they even gave him a name on screen. If you are going to introduce a character like that, use him. Or leave him alone.

I did rate it 6.5, so there were a lot of things I did like. It has an interesting format; the last scene of Bourne 2 doesn't take place until mid-movie. That was pretty neat. As expected, it was action packed. The plot made sense but didn't resolve the story completely. It made fantastic use of strong female characters, especially Joan Allen. And there was a cool walking chase scene in a London train station.

A few of my friends say the ending set it up for another sequel. They were half right. The ending itself was fine. It was the middle part that left the story ripe for a sequel. Personally, I hope they don't do it. They should have finished it this time.

Review (Movie): 300 (2006)

2007-09-10T19:14:00.000-05:00

3.5 out of 10

Starring Gerard Butler

This gratuitous violence may contain scenes of a movie. Viewer discretion is mandatory.

There was a lot of hype for this movie. Technically speaking, they were right about the quality. The photography, costumes, music and effects were impressive. Unfortunately, the story was grossly overlooked. Brief overview: 300 Spartans tried to hold off the largest army in the world.

Historically, it was probably a very interesting time and event - a proud Spartan people, Grecian land battles, a greatly outnumbered army and treason in the high council. But none of it is gone into in depth. Instead, they concentrate on piles of bodies, decapitated heads and severed limbs, and monster battles. Literally, monsters. There was no need for that. Of course, without them the writers would have had to come up with more story. It seems effects are easier.

I think one of the reasons this movie was so successful was because it's been a while since the last epic movie was released. This has the same feel to it - honourable soldiers, bad guys and sword fights. "300" is heavily influenced by Lord of the Rings with shades of "Mortal Kombat" and Quentin Tarantino.

The court and council scenes were well plotted. There could not have been much more to them; they told their story well. There was one female character, Queen Gorgo (Lena Headley) who was necessary to the plot and did her job. They were right not to add more women to the story; they weren't needed and the audience probably didn't miss them. I didn't.

On the downside, among all the other factors, I hated the stupid narrator. I understood the reasons for having him at the beginning of the movie; he explained the historical and social background of the Spartans. But after a while, he was just irritating. If you still require a narrator in the last third of the movie to explain the story, the writers haven't done their job. This guy had the last lines. Enough said.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (and other dangerous vegetables)

2007-09-01T11:46:00.000-05:00

The gardens are giving up their bounties these days and more often than not you will be gifted with fresh quality produce. It's tasty and good for you but here are some other things you should know about gardeners bearing gifts.

Fun fact # 1: If you eat a lot of tomatoes in a short period of time, your body may react to the extra acidity by causing hives.

Fun fact # 2: Apparently everybody knows this except me.

Fun fact # 3: Hives are itchy. I never really had Chicken Pox when I was little, but if they itch like hives, I send out my sympathy to suffering children everywhere.

Fun fact # 4: Saying "don't scratch" doesn't help. Now I'm itchy and pissed off.

Fun fact # 5: Eating fresh corn-on-the-cob everyday causes other problems.

Fun fact # 6: I already knew this, but since nobody told me about hives I'm keeping my mouth shut and letting you find out on your own. Ha!

Happy Harvest!

Review (Movie): Valley Girl (1983)

2007-09-01T11:00:00.000-05:00

6 out of 10

Starring Nicholas Cage, Deborah Foreman

Like you know, I never wanted to watch this movie 'cause I thought it would so be a rip-off of "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" which was totally lame, you know, but then I did watch this movie and, like, Oh My God, it was completely cool! It was just, like - whoa - complete flashback trip to high school and the '80s and I so went to a school like that, only my school was smaller and we didn't have a mall that big in town but we still went to the mall whenever we could, like obviously, because it was the cool place to hang out. But I still totally got it because popular is popular and peer pressure is so hard and you like have to fit in with your friends and stuff, even the way you dress and everything and did you see the super-cute clothes they wear because I had a top just like the one in that scene at the party, you know?

Good Lord, you could give yourself an aneurysm talking like that for an extended period of time. Still, this movie - much to my shock and dismay - was quite cute. I rated it a little high solely on the nostalgia value. It is not another "Fast Times"; think more along the lines of a precursor to the John Hughes/Brat pack movies that followed. Painful flashbacks to your teen years occur while you are laughing out loud at the clothes and hairstyles that you will only admit to wearing when confronted with photographic evidence. Perfect valley girl Julie falls for punker Randy from downtown Hollywood but her friends don't like him; what's a girl to do?

There's not much story - high school angst - but "Valley Girl" is fine for a quick stroll down Memory Lane. It should not to be watched often, though, due to the rapid onset of Valley-speak which is sure to occur. Believe me, it's fun at first but after a while even you will get sick of it. Like, totally.

Review (Movie): Stranger than Fiction (2006)

2007-09-01T09:46:00.000-05:00

7.5 out of 10

Starring Will Ferrell, Emma Thompson, Dustin Hoffman

Will Farrell made an intelligent, funny, adult movie and I liked it. I know! Shocking! I didn't think he had it in him.

Harold Crick is an IRS agent who wakes up one morning to find his life being narrated by an unknown woman. That in itself is irritating enough but then the voice tells him that he is going to die. The woman is writer Karen Eiffel, who is stuck in the middle of her current novel, and she is desperately looking for a way to kill Harold, her main character, so she can finish the book. Harold doesn't like this plan.

This was a class act. And believe me, I'm as surprised as anyone to say that about the man who did "Night at the Roxbury" and "Blades of Glory". There were no pratfalls, no toilet jokes, no half-naked bimbos or beer spewing contests. Instead, there is charming dialogue, good acting, and intelligent humour. The characters and story are well-developed. Even the secondary characters are of high quality.

This was a really good movie. If you like Will Ferrell's adolescent yuks, don't expect to find them here. If you don't like Ferrell, watch this anyway - you'll be pleasantly surprised. Also, I'm an Emma Thompson fan and she was great. It's been a long time since I've seen a good adult film, and while this may not be "As Good As It Gets", it's pretty close.

Review (TV): Blood Ties

2007-08-26T17:19:00.000-05:00

6.5 out of 10

Already showing in the U.S., "Blood Ties" is a Canadian series finally being shown here. The show is based on Canadian Tanya Huff's "Blood" books. "Blood Ties" introduces us to the world of Victoria "Vicki" Nelson (Christina Cox), a P.I. and former cop suffering from a degenerative eye disease, her former partner and possible love interest Mike Celluci (Dylan Neal), and a 450-year-old comic-book creating vampire and potential love interest Henry Fitzroy (Kyle Schmid).

In the two-part pilot, Vicki is hired to investigate one of a series of deaths where the victim's throat is slashed and the body is drained of all blood. During her investigation, she teams up with her former partner. She also runs into a vampire whom she initially suspects to be the killer and later turns into an ally. Together, Vicki and vamp hunt down the real killer.

The pilot was quite good. I was pleasantly surprised. It effectively introduced the characters, the setting and the series background without getting bogged down in all the backstory that usually appears in the first episode. I was initially concerned that "Blood Ties" would be a pale copy of 1992-1996 series "Forever Knight", or even 2007's "The Dresden Files". I was pleased to find that they'd found their own niche. I can only hope the rest of the season is as good.

Review (Book): "Chill of Fear" by Kay Hooper

2007-08-26T17:01:00.000-05:00

c 2005

Rating: Recommended

"Chill of Fear" is one of Kay Hooper's Bishop books in the "Fear" trilogy, set in the not-so-secret but definitely not publicized department of the FBI called the Special Crimes Unit. Informally, those in the know call it the "Spooky" Crimes Unit as it is staffed by psychics, one of whom is Quentin Hayes. This is his story.

Quentin Hayes, FBI agent and "seer", is a childhood tragedy survivor. Twenty-five years after he discovered the body of his little playmate Missy, the murder has still not been closed. Now, after several years of unproductive effort on the case, Quentin has returned to The Lodge determined to solve the case once and for all.

Also at the resort is Diana Brisco, a lost soul with more than twenty years of psychotherapy for a still undetermined mental illness. After meeting Quentin, Diana learns her psychological problems may actually be psychic problems. Visits from Missy and the ghosts of other murdered children draw Diana and Quentin together, personally and professionally.

So we have a murder mystery (good) and a well-incorporated supernatural setting (better), and even a romantic component. Take a breath and relax. There are no heaving breasts and quivering members. The romance is a very careful courtship, which is actually a practical approach. Having the song "Me So Horny" running through your head is probably not the best impression you can make on someone who can read your mind.

I really liked this book. Hooper writes with an easy style and I enjoyed the subject matter. I liked it so much, in fact, I went out and bought two more of her books (in her "Evil" trilogy). Fear, Evil, Shadows: with Hooper these are all good things.

Beware the Mary Sue

2007-08-18T10:13:00.000-05:00

If you aren’t a writer, this entry won’t make a lot of sense. If you are a fellow scribe, you will understand my dismay to report that my current project has been invaded by Mary Sue.

You know Mary Sue, don’t you? She’s the fictional girl who is divinely beautiful, dazzlingly clever and angelically good (description courtesy of Anne Shirley, Green Gables, a Mary Sue herself). She heals the sick, helps the elderly and bakes cupcakes for the band fundraiser in her spare time. Mary Sue speaks twelve languages, had multiple degrees in all the sciences, plays various musical instruments, paints and sculpts, and negotiates peace treaties between warring nations. She is also the love interest (or at least crush recipient) of every male, and occasional female character, in the story.

For a hilarious, in-depth study of the devil that is Mary Sue, check out the following website:

http://www.subreality.com/marysue.htm

Ah, I knew you were acquainted. Unfortunately I got distracted for a minute and lost control of my story. My heroine is not plucky. She is not sweet. She does not bring sunshine and light to every person she meets. But Mary Sue did a body snatch and took over my character! No wonder I got writer’s block.

The last body snatch I saw was a serial take over on “Days of Our Lives” when Mary Sue first took over Carrie Brady and then moved to Jennifer Horton. Mary Sue flits from soap to soap and is very hard to pin down. Any character that can be nominated for sainthood can be considered afflicted. Generally, a good editor can eradicate her from a commercial novel but she still manages to pop up in children’s fiction quite a bit.

Anyway, back to my problem. I solved it by having Mary Sue bitch-slap another character. A sick young woman actually. She immediately vanished in a puff of self-righteousness. So, I have my story back but I have to go back and due a page-one rewrite.

I’ve saved all my old stories, mostly to show myself how far I’ve come. Mary Sue appears in most of them. I think she preys on amateurs. I still have to work at keeping her out of my more recent works but it’s getting easier. At least I recognize her now when she starts to sneak into the narrative.

So, Mary Sue is vanquished and I’m off to work. A page-one rewrite.

I really hate that woman.

Words That Don't Exist

2007-08-18T10:09:00.001-05:00

There are two types of words that don’t exist. There are those that don’t exist but should, and those that don’t exist but are used anyway.

Those that should exist:

Ruth. If a person can be ruthless, why can’t they be ruth?
Couth. Same argument for uncouth.
Bestest. For the best of the best.
Friendish. Used to describe a person you act friendly towards but don’t really like. (Are you friends? No, we are just friendish.)

Those that are used anyway:

Unthaw. (for my dad) You aren’t unthawing something. You are either thawing it or refreezing it.
Pre-owned. Despite what car dealerships tell you, this implies the car was something else prior to being owned. Like what? A riding lawnmower?
Nurple. We know what you mean but you can’t create a word just so it rhymes with purple.